The Joplin Globe
November 03, 2006 01:34 am
—
By Mike Pound
Globe columnist
I have to admit, I really don't know what is lying at the bottom of the bottle of Heineken beer. But whatever it is, I don't want to drink it.
The object at the bottom of the bottle appears to be some sort of mollusk, maybe a cross between a large snail and a small hermit crab. It's hard to tell because the beer in the bottle is murky, and there is a bunch of white stuff floating around it. Now, I'm no marine biologist, but it seems to me that a mollusk's natural habitat is not at the bottom of a bottle of Dutch beer.
Dawn LaPlanter and her mother, Mary Shiff, swear they have no idea how the thing got into the beer, and I don't have any reason to doubt them. Dawn said she bought a 12-pack of Heineken for her mother last Saturday at a Joplin liquor store.
Mary said she's not a big drinker, but she will have an occasional beer.
"I only take one or two at a time and put them in the refrigerator," she said.
Mary said that after she opened the cardboard box that the beer came in, she took out a bottle and noticed that the cap was loose. She said that when she pried the cap off, she noticed something floating at the top of the bottle.
"I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want it to get out, so I opened another bottle and put that cap on it," Mary said.
So the cap on the bottle now is not the cap that was on the bottle when Dawn brought the beer home, which could suggest that Dawn or Mary may have tampered with the bottle.
But Dawn and Mary insist that's not the case and, again, I don't have any reason to doubt them. Mainly because the women really don't seem to want anything from the Heineken folks other than their money back.
See, that's where I'm different from Dawn and Mary. If I found a mollusk-type object at the bottom of a bottle of Heineken, I would be on the phone demanding that a delivery truck full of beer be in front of my house faster than Republicans can pounce on a John Kerry mistake.
Heineken folks: Well, Mr. Pound, how much beer would it take to make this go away?
Me: That depends. How much do you have?
Dawn said the first thing she did when her mom found the little monster at the bottom of the beer bottle was call the liquor store.
"But they told me I had to call Heineken," Dawn said.
So she did. She eventually talked to a woman named Michele, who, according to Dawn, at first wasn't exactly the nicest person in the world.
But eventually, Dawn said, Michele decided that the Heineken folks would give her $50.
But Dawn said the Heineken folks called back and told her that they were sending someone out to her house today to pick up the bottle and have it "analyzed" before they would pony up the $50.
The only problem is that Dawn and Mary aren't so sure they want to turn loose of the bottle. They told me that they spoke with two different lawyers who told them not to turn it over.
So we have a standoff.
By the way, I tried to call Michele on Thursday, but I got her voice mail. I left a message, but she didn't call me back.
I want to stress again that Dawn says she doesn't want to cause any trouble.
"I just want to get our money back, and maybe get reimbursed for the gas we spent going back and forth to the liquor store and for all the phone calls we had to make," she said.
Seems fair to me.
But on the other hand, I can see why the Heineken folks would be reluctant to just fork over some jack every time someone claims to have found something in one of their bottles of beer.
But I don't think Dawn and Mary are to blame for whatever is in the bottle. Call it a hunch, but I just don't see them trying to pull a fast one here.
Mary said that whatever is in the bottle of beer appeared to be alive on Saturday, but when I checked on it Thursday morning, it didn't so much look alive.
"It's either dead or drunk," Mary said.
So here's the deal. Dawn and Mary have a 12-pack of Heineken that Mary won't touch because one of the bottles has what appears to be some sort of sea creature in it. What they want is their money back.
Heineken is prepared to give the women $50 for their trouble if the company can have the bottle of beer to "analyze." But Dawn and Mary aren't sure that they want to part with the bottle before they get their money.
Until the thing is resolved, all I can say for sure is that Mary is no longer a Heineken drinker.
"Oh no," she said. "I wouldn't touch the stuff if they gave me 100 bottles."
Again, that's where Mary and I are different.
Copyright © 1999-2010 cnhi, inc.