Stephanie Davis Goad: Reality shows need some new ideas

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August 3, 2006

Anonymous The Joplin Globe Thu Aug 03, 2006, 12:46 AM CDT

By Stephanie Davis Goad

Globe columnist

It's rare that I catch a full episode of anything on television in our house, and much of the time this viewing device is stuck on the Disney Channel or Cartoon Network, especially when my 12-year-old son, Dylan, commandeers the remote control (he must be a grown man trapped in a preteen's body).

Sometimes, however, my boys and I like to veg out in front of the TV together and catch some comedy shows.

The other night had to be one of the worst nights in television. It so happened that the entire evening lineup was nothing but reality shows.

Years ago, the only reality shows were game shows such as "The Price Is Right" and "Wheel of Fortune" or beauty contests such as the "Miss America" and "Miss Universe" pageants. But they didn't dominate every station all evening!

Now it's "Fear Factor," "The Bachelor," "American Idol," "Rock Star Supernova," all "Survivor" knockoffs. And on the Sci-Fi Channel we ran across - get this - "Who Wants to be a Superhero?" That was really WAY OUT THERE!

There are only so many times you can watch someone eat raw pig's anatomy, drive a car off a cliff or date 25 people of the opposite gender at the same time.

For a while now I have thought that reality television shows were nothing more than a passing fad and soon they would die out only to be replaced by sitcoms and news shows. But, they seem to be dominating the airwaves without letting up.

So, my sister and I have decided that if we can't beat 'em, why not cash in and ride this reality wave for as long as it lasts? We've been kicking around some ideas to pitch to all of the major networks before the nation comes out of this reality phase of television viewing. How do you think these shows would fair on the Nielson Ratings?

"Who Wants to be Hillary Clinton's Limo Driver?"

The winner would chauffeur the former First Lady to all of her senatorial gigs and the prize includes a two-week, all-expenses-paid vacation to Little Rock, Ark.

"Who Wants to be Hugh Hefner's House Maid?"

The winner would scavenge for dust bunnies (not Playboy bunnies) and dryer lint at the home of the oldest and richest gigolo in the world and, as a bonus, would receive a one-year membership in the Victoria's Secret Underwear of the Month Club.

"Who Wants to be Tiger Woods' Golf Caddy for a Year?"

Winner gets to schlep golf clubs for the PGA pro at every golf open and will receive a lifetime supply of golf tees, which, we have recently learned, have many other household uses.

"America's Got Skills."

Winner receives the job of a lifetime working in his or her respective skill. Comes with full benefits, including health insurance and retirement and 10 weeks vacation each year.

"American Sumo: Last Redneck Standing."

Winner receives a one-year supply of all-you-can-eat buffets and a lifetime supply of diapers from the world's largest diaper supplier.

"Hillbilly Survivor: Ozark Mountain Edition."

Contestants are left in the hills and hollers of the Ozark Mountains with nothing but a Swiss Army knife and a can of Vienna sausages.

Winner gets an all-expenses-paid vacation to Branson and four tickets to the Baldknobbers show.

Although it is unlikely the networks will snatch up our ideas, they can't be any worse than some of the copycat reality shows currently airing.

Address correspondence to Stephanie Davis Goad, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802.

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