May 06, 2008 08:54 am
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From time to time, I get telephone calls from a local man — we’ll call him Mr. M — who reads this column on a regular basis. He got a big kick out of something I penned a while back about the economic downturn we’re experiencing. It went something like this: “If you step outside at night, you can almost hear the collective tightening of belts.”
Mr. M thought that was pretty clever, but that column appeared months ago, when gasoline was well below $3 a gallon. Those belts ... well, they have been sold to make ends meet. Not only are we losing our shirts at the pump, we’re losing our pants, too.
Mr. M called me last week and asked me this: “Don’t you think a lot of people are going to be in trouble by the end of the year?” By the end of the year? They’re in trouble now, I told him. And it’s only going to get worse. Crime will go up. The divorce rate will go up. Scarce jobs will become more scarce as desperate housewives take on second and third jobs. People will be unloading their gas-guzzling Hummers, SUVs and boats. This could be a rough ride before it’s over.
Mr. M asked me if I had driven by 20th Street and Range Line Road lately. The unloading of personal property is already happening, he said. The intersection has become a favorite spot for people who are looking to unload trucks, cars and boats. So, I decided to check out what was on the market.
The best deal, by far, was a truck-boat package for $28,500. The boat is a Bayliner Ciera 2355. It’s about 24 feet long. It’s got four berths. The truck is a 2002 Ford F250 XLT. You know, you can’t beat a Ford truck. For a moment, I imagined myself at the wheel of the boat on the lake with a bevy of young women in hot bikinis serving up cold martinis.
Then, reality set in. I couldn’t afford the gas to get the boat to the lake, let alone fuel up the boat once I got it there. I’ll stick with my canoe.
The selection on the other side of the intersection was more diverse. A Grand Cherokee Limited with 131,000 miles on it was for sale for $7,250. It gets about 17 to 18 mpg. A Dodge Ram pickup with an extended cab with 245,000 miles on it was for sale for $3,500. It’s got a V8, so you know it’s a gas hog.
Then there’s the biggie, a 2003 Hummer H1 with 35,000 miles on it. The price: $30,900. This vehicle has been tricked out with lots of bells and whistles, and more chrome than you can imagine. Driving an urban-assault vehicle to and from work might come in handy if things really do get rough — like Baghdad rough. But at 8 to 10 mpg, I might as well hand my paycheck over to the oil companies.
My favorite vehicle on the lot is a big, yellow school bus. It looks to be a 65-passenger model. The price: $4,200 or best offer. It’s so big that if times really do get tough, I could actually live in it. I know a perfect spot for it, next to a guy who lives in a van down by the river. It would be a palatial estate compared with that van.
Mr. M said that if he were shopping for a wife in these uncertain economic times, he certainly would be looking for one who would be the opposite of high maintenance. I reminded him that the converse of that is true as well. A woman shopping for a husband would want one who was low maintenance — one who could live without a Hummer H1 or a 24-foot Bayliner boat.
After some reflection, Mr. M said he saw my point, clarifying that what he meant to say was that he would want a wife who was affordable. To which I responded: “Well, good luck with that.”
If you have news about something that’s happening on Range Line Road, dial (417) 623-3480, ext. 7250; or send an e-mail to wkennedy@joplinglobe.com; or send a fax to Wally Kennedy at (417) 623-8598.
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Wally Kennedy