There are only a few things that I can tell you about Uncle Jed, one of the most frequent comment posters at www.joplinglobe.com.

The guy pays his property taxes.

Several commenters were able to pick up on it as he has made the transition from “Leroy” to “Moe” and then to his current online handle.

He’s a master when it comes to knowing which words to capitalize on in order to push people’s buttons.

He’s not a fan of liberals.

He’s not a fan of whiners.

And, to him, both of those groups are interchangeable.

Also, it’s never a good idea to try and engage him in an argument regarding his positions, for Uncle Jed deals in absolutes. As in, Uncle Jed is absolutely right, and you are absolutely wrong and an absolute idiot to boot. There’s really no middle ground.

As he has become one of our most frequent online commenters — and also because I’m short on time and better ideas — I now present to you a roundup of some of Uncle Jed’s commentary on the week that was in stories, letters and editorials from The Joplin Globe.

Voices: Dinosaur of redundancy

“If someone hits you on top of the head with a Craftsman hammer and then hits you again on top of the head with a Stanley hammer, would you be better off with one or the other? Why do you want to close a perfectly good Gitmo prison to pay for the movement of these terrorists to another prison? IT’S A JAIL CELL, IDIOTS, who cares? Some of you have been hit too many times on top of the head.”

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Voices: Fair Tax concerns

“You people must be nuts. First, Social Security is broken and predictions of a total failure are in the near future. So why try to protect it? Second, even with Social Security, the average monthly payment is between $700 and $900. If you didn’t have taxes taken out and you only paid taxes on what you purchased, then YOU HAVE CONTROL on how much YOU WANT TO PUT BACK. Get government away from giving me pennies on the dollar. You all whine about being on a ‘fixed income’ but you want to protect the system you whine about. It’s like saying you hate to hold a block of dry ice in your hand and someone suggests you pour boiling water on your hand to make you feel better. The system does not work and YOU LOVE the broken system.”

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In our view: Will it be enough?

“I have yet to hear any liberal say they are happy with Obama. If they are, I wish they would sit down at the table and lay out all they have received from him as examples. Have they received any money? NO. Are their welfare checks larger? NO. Is Social Security improved so elderly are happy with the money? NO. Are we out of Iraq? NO. Has bin Laden been found? NO. Do all of those countries that his liberal followers claim will love us after he is elected now love us? NO. Is the economy better? NO. Are the auto companies better after he gave them billions of dollars? NO. Is Wall Street better after he gave them billions of dollars? NO. Are we safe from North Korea? NO. Has HE stopped smoking? NO. Can he give a speech without a teleprompter? NO. Are the poor no longer poor? NO. Is health care just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit better? NO. Has he hired anyone for his Cabinet that paid their taxes on time as they should? NO. I can’t figure one good thing he has done. Help me out here people ... there has got to be SOMETHING he has done to make you happy.”

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Voices: Changes at The Bridge

“‘WWII Veteran writes: The Bible I believe in doesn’t say anything about skateboarding. This is the same kind of moral leniency that results in zombie cults on Main St. and pagan role-playing in the park.’ — I wonder if you could do a quick lookup in YOUR Bible and see if there is any mention about church ice-cream socials, or vacation Bible school, or church camp, or Christmas plays, or, or, or. Just because it is not mentioned in the Bible does make it pagan or zombieism. The Bridge tries to give a good Christian atmosphere for the kids, so back off.”

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Voices: Guns to Mexico

“Far, far, far more people are murdered by having their brains SUCKED OUT at birth than are killed by guns. I don’t get your point.”

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Voices: Health care

“‘Weapons of health-care destruction writes: Let’s let Uncle Jed and Howard’s insurance companies pick up the tab’ — Why are you slamming ME? I just took the stats as stated above, they are not MY stats. But if you use the stats it would suggest that you have a better chance of dying at the hospital than not having insurance. Why would YOU want people to go to a PLACE OF DEATH? This is not my opinion, just facts. Are you people not happy with anything?”

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Voices: Change

“What? This story cannot be correct. Bush is not the president. Oil prices can only go up because of Bush. Oh, wait ... maybe it had nothing to do with Bush. So now that the price is going up and Obama is in CHARGE, the liberals were all wrong ... once again. Liberals want it both ways and they are idiots.”

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Sales tax proposed as alternative to state, federal income tax

“1) The City of Joplin operates this way and you must LOVE IT or you would have moved to another city you LOVE BETTER. 2) Social Security is broken, this is a perfect time for personal accounts that will return FAR more than $700 per month in a Social Security check. 3) A business should not be held responsible for taking care of the taxes YOU OWE. You should go to work and the owner of the company gives you $X amount every two weeks and YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE as an ADULT, to pay your own taxes and pay for YOUR OWN health insurance. The company builds things and it’s YOUR TAXES owed, not theirs. 4) You’re a bunch of lazy whiners. Take care of yourself.”

Scott Meeker is the features editor at The Joplin Globe.