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July 2, 2009

Benji Tunnell: 'Transformers' sequel an atrocity

“... it is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying nothing.”

— William Shakespeare (“Macbeth”)

While I’m fairly certain that the Bard didn’t have battling robots or Michael Bay in mind when he penned these words, I am at a loss to come up with a more apt descriptor for the overblown and underwhelming pile of idiocy that is “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen,” or the man who subjected us to it.

“Transformers” is a nonsensical assault on the ears and eyes. To say that there is nothing overtly artistic would be inaccurate. That being said, my review is, apparently, superfluous. The public has spoken with their wallets. So, instead of going into painful detail about every overblown minute of this tripe, I will help you to re-create “Transformers” in your own home, thus saving you headaches and the risk of epileptic seizures from watching on the big screen.

Don’t worry about script. The movie didn’t, so don’t let it bother you. First, find the hottest female friend you have. Dress her in what barely qualifies as clothing, and say something condescending to her, such as, “Stand over there and look pretty, darlin’.” Then, tell her to run, all the while staring directly into her cleavage. Congratulations, you’ve just filled Megan Fox’s role.

Next, put on blackface and create the most stereotypical and offensive character that you can. Make sure you have at least one gold tooth, talk in ghetto slang, and remind anyone within earshot that you are functionally illiterate. Now you have the robot characters Skids and Mudflaps.

Finally, remove all logic from your brain, so as not to allow it to interfere with your re-creation. If you start questioning, for example, why the government wouldn’t just melt Megatron down after his death in the first movie, instead of sinking him and paying the astronomical cost of 24-hour boat and submarine surveillance, you’ve failed. Likewise, if you wonder, if the Decepticons have to steal the energy from the sun to stay alive, why they didn’t just set up shop on an uninhabited planet in our solar system and thus save themselves a lot of headaches from those pesky Earthlings, you’re out of luck. You may just want to grab a corkscrew and a shaving mirror and attempt a do-it-yourself lobotomy if you want to truly re-create the effect of the movie.

Now, go stare directly at the sun for two and a half hours. There you have it: “Transformers” at home. The bonus is that your blindness will keep you from watching the inevitable third one.

I’ve long held that “Pearl Harbor,” Bay’s insult to our efforts in World War II, should have been treated as a war crime and that he should have been subject to a trial similar to what the captured Nazis faced. After watching “Transformers,” I kind of miss the subtlety of “Harbor.” If that was a crime, “Transformers” is an atrocity.

On an unrelated note, I’ve had a great deal of feedback regarding my theater-etiquette column. I’ll be announcing the winner of the DVD for best theater complaint soon. Drop me a line at benjitunnell@gmail.com and let me know your gripe. Sadly, being suckered into paying for “Transformers” doesn’t count. We all fell for that one.

My rating: 1/2 reel (out of four).

Address correspondence to Benji Tunnell, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802 or benjitunnell@gmail.com.

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