By James Dobson
Globe Columnist
JOPLIN, Mo. —
Q. My former wife and I were married for 13 years before we divorced two years ago. She has since remarried and has custody of our 12-year-old daughter.
Recently, I’ve learned that my ex-wife is saying things to our daughter that I feel are damaging to her spirit. She frequently blames her weight problem, smoking addiction and financial woes on our daughter (“I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you”).
She also has no respect for our daughter’s boundaries and routinely confiscates cash gifts that are received for birthday or Christmas presents. Since I am no longer recognized as the primary care provider, I am somewhat hesitant to raise objections.
Still, she is my daughter, and it pains me to see her subjected to this kind of abuse. Should I step in and make things right?
A: I’m sure what you are witnessing is extremely distressing, and I wish there were legal remedies to help you protect your daughter. Within certain limits, however, your ex-wife is permitted by the court to be a bad mother and even do things that are harmful to the child.
If you attack her or try to place her on the defensive, you could even make things tougher for your daughter. Apart from what you can accomplish with your wife through negotiation and personal influence, then, your hands are tied.
There is, however, so much that you can do directly with your daughter Ð even though you don’t have custody over her.
Work hard on that relationship. Be there for her when she needs you. Give her the best of your love and attention when she visits. At 12 years of age, she is at the most vulnerable time of her life, and she needs a father who thinks she is very special. You can have a profound influence on her if you demonstrate your love and concern consistently.
Remember, too, that the present situation may be temporary. Teenagers are given greater latitude in deciding which parent they want to live with.
By your daughter’s choice, you might have custody of her in a year or two. Until then, all you can do is the best you can do.
Dr. Dobson is president of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903; or www. family.org.
