Q. My sister’s daughter went off to college at 18 and immediately went a little crazy. She had always been a good kid, but when she was on her own, she drank like a lush, was sexually promiscuous and flunked three of her classes.
My daughter is only 12, but I don’t want her to make the same mistakes when she is beyond our grasp. How can I get her ready to handle freedom and independence?
A. Well, you may already be 12 years late in beginning to prepare your daughter for that moment of release.
The key is to transfer freedom and responsibility to her little by little from early childhood so she won’t need your supervision when she is beyond it. To move suddenly from tight control to utter liberty is an invitation to disaster.
I learned this principle from my own mother, who made a calculated effort to teach me independence and responsibility.
After laying a foundation during the younger years, she gave me a “final examination” when I was 17 years old. Mom and Dad went on a two-week trip and left me at home with the family car and permission to have my buddies stay at the house.
Wow! That was 14 slumber parties in a row! I couldn’t believe it.
We could have torn the place apart Ð but we didn’t. We behaved rather responsibly.
I always wondered why my mother took such a risk, and after I was grown, I asked her about it. She just smiled and said, “I knew in one year you would be leaving for college, where you would have complete freedom with no one watching over you. I wanted to expose you to that independence while you were still under my influence.”
I suggest that you let your daughter test the waters of freedom occasionally as she’s growing up, rather than tossing her into the big wide ocean all at once. It takes wisdom and tact to pull that off, but it can be done.
If you do the job properly, the time of release in six or seven years will be a gentle transition rather than a cataclysmic event.
Dr. Dobson is president of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903; or www. family.org.
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