The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

On The Table

April 29, 2008

‘Dr. Food Science’ mixes bananas and Sprite, conducts other questionable food experiments

By Dustin Shipman

Editor’s note: Dr. Food Science does not hold a degree from an accredited university. He is not, in fact, a real doctor at all. (If you have an appointment with him, please cancel it immediately.) The following experiments are — to use a highly scientific term — stupid, and should not be attempted by anyone, at any time. Ever.

Good morning, class. I am your instructor, Dr. Food Science.

Recently, I headed to my top-secret laboratory to undertake several food experiments, with the goal of trying to separate fact from fiction.

Is it possible to eat six saltine crackers in a minute? Are Sprite and bananas really a bad combination? Is it really impossible to eat a teaspoon of cinnamon?

While these experiments may seem sophomoric and juvenile to you, these are questions with profound implications. And in the interest of science, I felt compelled to put them to the test. Please, do not try these experiments at home. I am, after all, a professional.

Experiment No. 1

The first experiment sounds rather simple: eat six regular saltine crackers in under one minute without anything to drink to help wash them down.

I was confident about the success of this experiment. Six crackers are tiny enough to fit in your mouth all at once and a full minute to chew and swallow them sounded like plenty of time.

Do not be fooled. It is far more difficult than it sounds. Once I bit into the first cracker, it worked like a sponge to suck up all the saliva in my mouth, making it virtually impossible to swallow. I would say that eating only three crackers in a minute’s time is pushing the limits of what the human mouth can handle. But six, in my opinion, is impossible.

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