There is a lot of things I thought I would be when I grew up. Divorced wasn’t one of them.
I didn’t think I fit the profile I had in my mind to grow up and be divorced. I had truly happily married parents and no divorce had ever happened in my family … ever. But life happens, and here I am. (The rich princess thing didn’t work out for me either.)
In Jasper County, when you go through a divorce, there is a mandatory parenting class that anyone with children younger than 18 has to go through.
When my attorney advised me of this back when I was going through the divorce, and when she told me I had to have this certificate showing I had attended to have my divorce granted, I remember saying, “Are you serious? I am a parent educator! Surely I am exempt?”
I remember going to the Joplin Public Library for the class, one of several options I could choose. Classes are done monthly, so I thought the attendance would be low.
The huge room was packed, and they started by announcing, “If you see anyone in this room you have an order of restraint against, or if you feel threatened, let us know at once.”
That made me take note and look around. None of the dozens of people in the room looked at all happy to be there, either.
It made me realize divorce could be ugly, and what child would want to be in the middle of that? I think as an adult, I had to come to the conclusion, in a healthy divorce — or as healthy as something like this can be — you have to love your children more than you don’t love your ex.
I choose not to look back with regrets. If I had never been married, I would have never had my two wonderful, beautiful children.
I turned to my dear friend and counselor Gina Robbins for more advice for parents to help their children through a divorce. Robbins is a counselor at Fairview Elementary School in Carthage, and assures me that your child won’t stand out as a child with divorced parents — unfortunately it happens all too often.
I asked Robbins how to make a divorce work for kids, and she offered this advice: Parents can do a great deal to help their children transform divorce into a positive experience. Kids have to learn how to cope throughout the “divorce journey.”
To help kids survive and thrive from the experience of divorce, parents must respect their kids’ real feelings. Parents must accept they can’t make the pain disappear, but they can give their kids a safe space in which to freely express their emotions.
Parents must acknowledge they can offer support and love their kids with all their hearts, Robbins said. But ultimately, their kids must go through the “divorce journey” in their own way, in their own time frame.
A civil divorce, even when you have hard feelings, is very important, Robbins said.
“Every parent needs to remember that their children love both of their parents,” Robbins said. “No matter how angry the parents are with each other, they must take into consideration that their anger towards each other definitely affects their children.”
Depending on the developmental age the child is, loyalty and family values and structure are highly important to kids, she said. No child wants to take sides, and asking a child to do so is extremely painful and detrimental to the child’s emotional well being. So do not put the child in the middle via relayed messages, hateful comments, reporting back to the other parent, etc.
Children mourn the loss of the family unit as they would mourn the loss of a loved one, Robbins said. Sadness and anger are all part of the equation, and parents should consider the emotional toll that the divorce is having on their children, not just each other.
She also points out that school and community counselors can help, and notes there are many great books out there for kids, including her favorite, “Divorce is NOT the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids” by Zoe, Evan and Ellen Sue Stern.
Jane Drummond is a parent educator for the Carthage School District. Contact her at janedrummond@mchsi.com.
