At some point in your life, you’ve probably heard people older than you say, “The older you get, the faster time flies.” I cannot count the number of people I heard utter those words when I was growing up.

Time could not pass fast enough back then. Remember thinking you’d never be old enough to drive? Then, you finally hit 16 and suddenly, reaching the next legal landmark age of 18 seemed so far out of reach. With that age came the right to vote, the eligibility to enter certain places or operate age-specific equipment. Then, time inched its way forward to age 21. Finally, people would start taking you seriously.

Yeah, right.

“Oh, sure,” I used to respond when people would tell me how much faster time goes with each passing year. I never really took that saying to heart until I left my 20s. It was a dark day when I turned that corner into the 30s, let me tell you. I cried, got depressed and had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the next decade of my life. Things started happening a little faster after that. Christmas arrived earlier, and although I finally got used to the idea, the birthdays started stacking up faster than I could imagine.

It’s been like some amusement-park ride that you can’t jump off of. Before you know it, you are breathing down the neck of 40. We just celebrated my last 30-something birthday this past weekend, which for some reason didn’t seem quite as bad as turning 30 did. I’m sure I’ll be whistling a different tune next year, though. I am not sure which is scarier, turning 40 or enduring what the people in my life are going to put me through when I turn 40. Makes me wish I hadn’t given them such a hard time or helped orchestrate all those over-the-hill birthday parties when they all turned 40. I think I may just leave the country on my next birthday.

Turning 40 isn’t really what scares me. It’s looking like I’m 40 that has me all mortified. I’ve been trying to think of ways to fend off that 40s look, and if I get started right now, perhaps I’ll still look 30-something next year.

If you’re at or near 40, try the following to keep from looking your age:

* Buy a family size, industrial-strength, age-reversing moisturizer and apply it four times daily. They even have some products claiming to be “microdermabrasion in a bottle.” Like a facelift in a flask, I suppose.

* Remodel a treadmill into a machine you never have to get off of. We could call it the “24/7.” You could telecommute to work, attend classes, read, sleep and even answer when nature calls without having to dismount the conveyor belt. You won’t have to expose yourself to the elements, which should leave your skin much younger looking.

* Have all of your friends and family help you apply as a candidate for “Extreme Makeover.” Maybe you’ll be considered a charity case if enough people write in on your behalf, and you’ll leave the show looking 18 again.

* Enroll in fat camp over the summer, even if you aren’t fat. With those all-too-fit counselors as drill sergeants, it’s a sure way to stay physically fit and fight off the age ogre.

* Become a regular member of every gym in town and visit one each day.

* Destroy all tanning coupons and begin the process of tanning cessation, much like giving up smoking or some other nasty habit. The dry, leather look will never be the “in thing” anyway.

I guess turning 40 is inevitable, and we have to accept the fact that we’re never going to truly be able to turn back the hands of time. Surely, hitting 40 has to beat the alternative. Someone may have to remind me of that this time next year.



Address correspondence to Stephanie Davis Goad, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802.