When I was 14, I thought I was a dating and relationship expert. Equipped with inside information about girls (from my sister’s Seventeen magazine) and a number of relationship lessons learned from various romantic comedies, I was convinced that I completely understood dating and romance.
Ten years later, I’m married and more aware than ever that that simply was not true. At 14, my understanding of what went into a healthy relationship was severely lacking. What I needed and what teens today still need is involved parents who can openly provide honest answers, guidance and boundaries when it comes to sex and dating.
A new study conducted by Teen Research Unlimited reported that more than three times as many teens (20 percent) as parents (6 percent) admit that parents know little or nothing about teens’ dating relationships. It’s not surprising then that the survey goes on to report that nearly half of teen girls who have been in a relationship say they have been victims of verbal, physical or sexual abuse by their boyfriends. The survey went on to find that only half of teens claim to know the signs of a hurtful or bad relationship.
Because of these alarming statistics, it is essential for parents to teach their children about relationships and to set boundaries once they begin dating. According to Dr. Marilyn Maxwell, professor of internal medicine and pediatrics at Saint Louis University, it is important to start talking with children about relationships long before their first date.
“Parents need to model good relationships for their children,” says Maxwell. “When parents treat each other with respect, it’s not only good for the parents’ relationship, but it also shows children how to behave and what to expect from a relationship in return.”
Parents should also regularly discuss those expectations with teens. Ask them what they think about the significance of things like mutual respect, easy conversation, shared values and similar interests in a relationship. By creating opportunities for these conversations to occur, parents can consistently communicate their expectations and values to their teens.
This consistency is vital when talking about sex. Even though it can be uncomfortable to talk about, it is crucial for young people to understand the values and expectations of their parents concerning sex. According to Maxwell, “It’s not inevitable that a teen will become sexually active, particularly if you let her know how you expect her to act.”
When teens are ready to begin dating, it is those expectations paired with guidance and boundaries that are needed more than ever. Here are some tips for parents:
* Set rules that include acceptable date activities and curfews.
* Know where your teen is going, with whom and when they will be home.
* Get to know the people your teen dates. Invite them to dinner and integrate dates into family activities.
* Provide supervision. Leaving teens alone for hours with no accountability is a set-up for risky behavior.
* If your teen has already had sex, encourage abstinence and communicate that it is never too late to start making good decisions.
* Watch for signs of bad relationships such as mood swings, neediness, isolation, and verbal or physical abuse.
* Loosen up. While parents need to set boundaries, it’s important to entrust your teen with increasing responsibility to manage his life.
From simple crushes to full-fledged teen love, relationships can be scary and confusing for parents and teens alike. But through honest communication, proper guidance and boundaries, parents can both deepen their relationships with their teens and prepare them to safely enter the world of dating.
Mat Anderson is the staff writer and research specialist at The Bridge in Joplin. For more information visit futureparadigm.org.
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Mat Anderson: Teens need boundaries, communication
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