Everybody should have hobbies. I am always game to try new things and get new hobbies, especially when it means spending time with those I want to spend time with.
From prior writings you all know that my boyfriend, Paul, has quite the hobby that I took up during nice weathered months: the motorcycle. But fall is here and we have a new obsession/hobby upon us: hunting.
Seems the only station we ever watch on TV anymore is the outdoor channel. I have seen a million ways to sit in a stand and shoot at deer watching these. Heck, I have even been bored enough watching them that I have tried to imitate and master the deer calls.
One particular show caught my attention. It is called “The Crush with Lee and Tiffany.” For those of you that haven’t seen it, Lee is an avid hunter, probably in his mid-30s.
Tiffany is his wife and probably the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. She looks like one of Heffner’s playmates. She is petite and cute and she loves going hunting with Lee.
I have thought of a lot of words to describe myself, and “hunter” has never been in the top 25 million. My dad, brother and grandpa used to hunt a lot, and I think they took me once.
Evidently I was a complainer. Not just a complainer, but a chatty complainer. With no hard feelings from them or me, I was never invited to go back.
Thirty years later, Paul, with the same zest he had when he asked me to ride the motorcycle cross country, came up with another zinger of an idea.
“Hey Jane,” he said. “You should come out and hunt with me.”
I thought it was sweet that he thought of me, and if that frilly Tiffany girl can do it, so can I.
We went that day to a friend’s house to hunt, Gary and Trisha Coates. They had a good laugh about me being out there. I took my People magazine: It was Paul’s idea as, knowing me, he told me 75 times to be quiet.
I hate being cold, but it was not a problem because we had a deer blind, and a heater. For those of you that know me and are probably starting to panic right now: I had no bow or gun, because I was an observer.
As I got in the blind, Paul went out and put a thingy of deer-pee smell in the tree and I opened my People magazine. Paul had told me before we left to not slather myself in Bath and Body Works lotion the way I do daily, because we had to prevent smelling like people. Evidently deer don’t like to smell us.
Of course, when I opened the magazine, a scented fragrance card promoting Paris Hilton’s perfume fell out.
Crap! I had failed him. I quickly shoved the scented card down deep in a pocket. He got back into the blind and sprayed me down with an odor eliminator. Hmmm, wonder if Tiffany wears that.
We sat out there for about six hours. I have never been quiet that long. We saw a groundhog climb a tree and about a million squirrels, but never a deer. It was one of the only times he has ever been out and not seen a deer.
Here are some of my notes and observations on why you don’t see more women hunters:
n Guys can relieve themselves easily in the woods. I thought I was going to pop by the time we left and thanked God I didn’t have to sneeze.
n The next night after deer hunting I noticed a rash on my hand. Paul didn’t get this rash, of course. Whatever it was it ended up swelling, oozing and needing an oral antibiotic. The doctor had never seen anything quite like it, and it about made my friend, who is a school nurse, gag. I have never seen oozy wilderness scars like that on Tiffany.
n I can 100 percent guarantee you without question that Tiffany has hair and makeup people following her through the woods. When I came out of the woods, I sure didn’t have perfect hair and lip gloss. She is also perky when she comes out of the woods. I think I was borderline crabby, but come to think of it, I have never seen her haul her own stuff like I did either.
But the truth is that I tried yet another new venture, and I didn’t totally hate it. It was peaceful: No cell phones or kids yelling at me. I might just try it again.
For all the PETA people out there, don’t worry, I have a feeling that if I am in the woods, the animals will all be pretty safe.
Jane Drummond is a parent educator for the Carthage School District. Contact her at janedrummond@mchsi.com.
