JOPLIN, Mo. — Summer movies usually get a wide berth when it comes to seasonal entertainment. Every four years, however, films have to step aside for a bit to make way for the Summer Olympics.

I think it’s time for theaters to start looking for alternatives to help combat the dip in attendance as Americans turn their attention toward more global interests. And thus, I suggest the launch of the inaugural Movie Theater Olympics:

¥ Bathroom Floor Long Jump: In this event, the athlete must leap the mysteriously wet restroom floor to keep shoes dry and clean smelling. For added challenge, the theater reserves the right to show children’s movies or the latest “Jackass” film.

¥ Synchronized Texting: Competitors must coordinate with their partners to send text messages back and forth within the same auditorium in time to key parts of the movie that are onscreen. Scoring increases with length of text and brightness of screen. Bonus points for leaving the volume up, but points are deducted if punched in the back of the head by an irate audience member.

¥ Management Dodge: This event requires the staff and management of the theater to do everything possible to avoid addressing the concerns of the paying customers.

Lights will be left on in auditoriums, crying babies will be strategically planted in quiet, character driven dramas, and packs of obnoxious teenagers will be snuck into all R-rated films. The theater staff that can go the longest without doing anything to rectify said problems will take home the gold.

Viewers at home be warned: this event has been known to last for years.

¥ Ben Affleck Movie Marathon: Not for the faint of heart, this test of endurance will require the viewer to sit through the Ben Affleck library, starting from his first mainstream Hollywood film. The last person to break down in tears will be declared the winner. Though no one has ever managed to make it past “Reindeer Games,” should two or more competitors survive through to the end, they will enter into Brett Ratner sudden death.

¥ Popcorn Eating Challenge: Each contestant will purchase one large popcorn and must eat as much as possible during the course of one two hour film. Contestants must get their own refills, and should any contestant suffer a cardiac episode or “refund” any portion of their popcorn, they will be immediately disqualified. It should be noted that the cost of the popcorn makes this event prohibitively expensive for most competitors.

¥ Bank Breaker: This is more of a fiscal test, as the participant must be approved for financing to be able to purchase one adult 3-D ticket, one large popcorn and one large drink. Thusfar, none have qualified for this event.

¥ Trailer Roulette: Another endurance test, the contestants must consume a large soda, then sit through the entirety of the theater’s pre-show advertising and trailers without getting up to go to the bathroom. ÊIt is not unheard of for this event to stretch on for days, so all athletes must have proper medical clearance before participating.

¥ Lobby Design: In this competition, contestants are tasked with creating a new lobby decor. Points are awarded for gaudiness, offensiveness to the eye as well as overall tackiness. Contestants must not incorporate any of the current design theme: “Clown Vomit.”

¥ Patron Prattle: Participants must select their patrons before the film begins. Once the lights go down, they must talk for as long as possible. Extra points for giving facts about the film or its actors that are woefully incorrect, as well as sharing spoilers that they heard from a friend who saw the film the previous week.

If the patron moves, the participant must be able to raise the volume of their voice to compensate for the new distance as well as the competition from the on screen action. The event is over when a theater employee shushes them during auditorium checks. The initial test run of this event is still going on, so mark extra time to watch this.

I feel good about America’s chances for gold in all of these events.