I have met the enemy and he is me

I’m thinking about getting a lobbyist. You know, to represent me and my posse, which is pretty much just me.

But some lobbyists have reputations of being such slimy people that I don’t know that I want to associate with one, even one who works for me.

Heck, even the American League of Lobbyists notes that its members are “still frequently viewed with suspicion. ... The caricature is as familiar as the name: portly, cigar-smoking men who wine and dine lawmakers while slipping money into their pockets.”

Neither John McCain nor Barack Obama want anything to do with lobbyists.

A recent headline in the Washington Post summed it up: “Candidates Vie to Be The Anti-Lobbyist.”

“ ... lobbyists aren’t just part of the system in Washington, they’re part of the problem,” Obama said.

But whether I want a lobbyist or not, I have one. In fact, I have several. You do too, which makes us all, according to Obama, “part of the problem.”

Take this place where I work.

The Joplin Globe is a member of the Joplin Area Chamber of Commerce, which in turn is a member of the Missouri Chamber of Commerce and Industry, which has four people in Jefferson City registered as lobbyists, according to the Missouri Ethics Commission. That ought to be good for me, right? The Globe also belongs to the Missouri Press Association, which has a registered lobbyist. Some newspapers in the state have their own registered lobbyists, but that seems showy and highfalutin’.

Then there’s the little matter of my electric power provider, a rural cooperative, which technically makes me an owner of the coop. My cooperative is part of the Association of Missouri Electric Cooperatives, which means I’ve got another ten registered lobbyists in my corner.

Then I’ve got this 401(k) with funds invested in various blends of stocks. I can’t tell you all the companies in which I may proudly or otherwise be an owner, but judging from the fact that it has been floundering, I’m not sharing in any of those record oil company profits. I’m probably loaded up on the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

Anyway, maybe one of these funds has tied into AT&T, or Miller Brewing, or Ameren or Philip Morris, or their related companies. If that’s the case, I got a big gun at my disposal — none other than the industrious Andrew Blunt, brother of Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt and son of U.S. Rep. Roy Blunt. Andrew Blunt represents nearly 100 companies or organizations or other interests. Surely, then, I can sleep easy knowing he’s got my back.

Then there’s the personal stuff. I’ve spent enough money fishing over the years that both Bass Pro Shops (two lobbyists) and the Missouri Department of Natural Resources (four lobbyists), which manages trout parks, ought to be looking out for me, that is if they want me to keep spending my money there. Heck, my church even has lobbyist in Missouri, pushing for laws that keep me on the straight and narrow.

All of this is great, of course, but what if all those lobbyists are working at cross purposes? I can imagine scenarios where the Missouri Press Association might be interested in public disclosure of records that the Missouri Chamber of Commerce and Industry might oppose. I can imagine those who represent fishermen fighting those who represent utilities, which discharge mercury into streams, making some fish such as largemouth bass unsafe to eat. I can imagine scenarios where Ameren might want legislation that would require cooperatives like mine to invest in green power, just as they may soon be required to do, and which the Association of Missouri Electric Cooperatives might oppose.