The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

December 12, 2013

Mike Pound: Dr. Mike offers (bad) Christmas shopping advice to men

I don’t want to sound too full of myself, but I consider what I do for a living a gift to mankind.

And when I say “mankind,” I mean male people, because I’m pretty sure female people don’t think what I do for a living is a gift to them.

Call it a hunch.

I believe it is my job to give men a role model, someone they can pattern themselves after and perhaps make themselves more appealing to their wives and/or girlfriends.

OK, I guess saying “wives and/or girlfriends” just then probably isn’t going to make men more appealing, but hey, I’m sure wives and/or girlfriends have a sense of humor.

One of the gifts I give male people I like to call “Ask Dr. Mike.” What I do is field questions from average men on various topics relating to love and marriage.

Since Christmas is just under two weeks away, I thought in this edition of “Ask Dr. Mike” I would answer questions from men looking for that perfect gift for their wives or girlfriends. Our first question is from Larry.

DEAR DR. MIKE: The other day I was with my wife at a department store, and she pointed to a coat in the window and said, “Oooh, I love that coat!” A few days later, a commercial for the same store came on the TV and my wife said, “There’s that coat I love!” Now today, I picked up a catalog from the store, and my wife circled a picture of the coat and wrote, “Really, really love this coat!!!!” She then drew hearts around it. My question is this: Do you think my wife would like a bathrobe for Christmas?

DEAR LARRY: What is wrong with you? I can’t believe I even have to answer that question. Of course your wife would like a bathrobe for Christmas. What woman wouldn’t? And if you get her a really warm, flannel bathrobe, she might even stop whining about that coat.

———

Our next letter comes from a gentleman named Murray.

DEAR DR. MIKE: This year, my wife said she didn’t want me to get her a gift for Christmas. She said she already had everything she needed and that I made her life complete. My question, Dr. Mike, is this: Should I get my wife a bathrobe for Christmas?

DEAR MURRAY: Definitely not. If I were you, I would get her a coat.

———

Our next question is from Ralph.

DEAR DR. MIKE: This Christmas, I am thinking about getting my wife something from Victoria’s Secret. But the last time I tried to buy my wife something from there, I got embarrassed when the nice saleslady used the word “lingerie” in a sentence. The next thing I knew, I was walking out of the store with $596,987 worth of underwear. Dr. Mike, what happened to me?

DEAR RALPH: Relax. You just fell under the spell of one of the famed sirens of Victoria’s Secret. In ancient times, men used to try to ward off these sirens by stuffing wax into their ears, which led to unfortunate shopping incidents such as this:

Siren: “Welcome to Victoria’s Secret. How can I help you?”

Man with wax in his ears: “What?”

Siren: “OK, your total is $1,387,876.”

Man with wax in his ears: “What?”

My advice, Ralph, is to avoid making eye contact with the siren. Also, try not to listen to what she is saying. Think of the siren as your wife. Then, when the siren stops talking, ask her where they keep the flannel robes.

———

Our last letter comes from someone named Sue.

DEAR DR. MIKE: I’ve been dropping hints to my moron of a husband that I would like a coat for Christmas. You don’t think he’s going to get me another flannel robe do you?

DEAR SUE: What?

DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

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