The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

January 2, 2014

Mike Pound: Cuddle or face the consequences

Like all male people, when I read the headline in the Time magazine online newsfeed, I had this reaction: Yikes!

For those of you whose jobs do not require you to spend way too much time on the Internet, here is the headline I am referring to: “Florida Woman Allegedly Assaults Boyfriend After He Refuses to Cuddle.”

I know!

I hate to point this out, but the person who wrote that headline also wrote the following sub headline: “No spooning almost led to a knifing.”

I hate when headline writers do that for two reasons.

Reason No. 1: When headline writers resort to a pun, everyone has the same reaction, and that reaction is: Stop it!

Reason No. B: A story about a woman assaulting her boyfriend for not cuddling is not funny.

In this case, the alleged assault was almost committed with a knife. That’s right. A woman allegedly tried to stab her boyfriend because he refused to cuddle.

Look, if every guy who didn’t want to cuddle was stabbed by his wife and/or girlfriend, we would all whistle while we walked. We would all look like vertical slices of Swiss cheese. We could all be used for draining pasta.

We would have a lot of holes in us, is what I’m saying.

According to the story, “31-year-old Shavonna Rumph of Manatee, Fla., pulled a knife on her boyfriend after he refused to cuddle with her in bed Saturday night.”

Right now, every male person reading this story is making the following mental note: Remind me never to go to Manatee, Fla., and ask: “Is Shavonna around?”

Really, can you imagine how a date with her would go?

Male Person: “So why did you and your boyfriend break up?”

Shavonna: “He wouldn’t cuddle with me, so I tried to stab him.”

Male Person: “Check please!”

The story did contain one line that is in just about every story like the one about the alleged cuddle incident: “The couple had been drinking.”

By the way, I thought it was nice that the folks at Time used the word “allegedly” equally in their story. Not only did they write that Shavonna “allegedly” tried to assault her boyfriend, but they also wrote that he “allegedly” refused to cuddle.

I think that’s something.

“Your honor, it’s outrageous to say that my client refused to cuddle. I will present evidence that will prove without a shadow of a doubt that on the night in question, my client tapped his accuser on the arm and said: ‘Hey kiddo.’”

According to the story, when the boyfriend allegedly refused to cuddle, the couple argued and the argument became physical. Police said that when they arrived, they discovered that Shavonna allegedly “had picked up a kitchen knife as if she was going to use it to hurt or stab” the boyfriend.

I’m not sure that anybody but male people truly understands the significance of this story. This is a statistical fact that I just now made up: 99.9 percent of all female people like to cuddle, and 99.9 percent of all male people do not.

If you were to open the head of a typical male person — something you probably legally can’t do — you would find that the section of his brain reserved for cuddling had been replaced with the starting lineup of his favorite sports team.

Now, if you were to open the head of a typical female person — again, something you can’t legally do — you would find the section of her brain reserved for cuddling completely full. You would also find the section reserved for “stopping someone and asking for directions” completely full.

According to the story, the boyfriend said he really wasn’t afraid that Shavonna would hurt him. The story said Shavonna posted a $250 bond and was released, so there is a chance the couple are back together. Although I’m worried that in a few years, the magic might go out of their relationship.

I’m worried that one night, after the couple have been drinking, the boyfriend will turn to Shavonna and ask: “How come you never try to stab me anymore?”

DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

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