By Mike Pound
I have come to the conclusion that, as Jimmy Buffett says, “It’s my own damn fault.”
It used to be that whenever something happened to me that I didn’t like, my first reaction was to find someone else to blame. Say I ran out of gas. When I did, was it my fault for not remembering to glance at the gas gauge in the last two weeks? Of course not. It was my wife’s fault because she was the one who made me drive to the 24-hour retail store in our town to buy scissors because she couldn’t remember where she put her other scissors.
But now that I’ve evolved I have come to understand that most of the time when something happens that I don’t like, the fault is usually mine.
Last week I went to a local clothing store to buy a pair of blue jeans. I don’t like shopping for blue jeans because the only jeans that come close to fitting me come with names such as “Super relaxed fit” or “A bit more room” or “Shapeless middle-aged men.” When I try on a pair of those jeans I look like a freshman at clown college.
See, when you get to be a certain age it’s hard to find blue jeans that fit you like jeans fit when you were younger. I used to think that was the fault of the people who made the jeans. Now I think it’s the fault of the people who make beer.
Anyway, last week, after I finally found a pair of jeans that sort of fit, I paid the nice lady and went home. The next day when I pulled the jeans out of my closet, I discovered that part of the electronic tag that they put on clothes so folks can’t steal them was still attached, leaving me with two choices:
No. A: Try and remove the tag myself, which never works and would probably result in my jeans bursting into flames.
No. 2: Drive back to the store to have the tag removed by trained professionals.
No. 2 was the obvious choice, of course, but when you do that you have to convince the sales person that you already paid for the jeans and are not just trying to have the tag removed so you can steal them.
When the same thing happened to me a few months ago, I called the store ahead of time to let them know that I would be bringing in a shirt to have the tag removed. The person I spoke with asked me if I kept the receipt. I told her that I didn’t because I didn’t anticipate that someone would neglect to remove the electronic tag. The person pointed out that it would have been easier if I had the receipt. I pointed out that it would have been easier if the electronic tag had been removed.
Finally, we agreed to disagree and I brought the shirt in and had the tag removed.
Many years ago I bought a suit at the same clothing store. The reason I know that it was many years ago when I bought the suit was because the suit came with a vest. Does anyone remember suits with vests? I never got the idea of suits with vests. I mean, if you have a suit coat what do you need a vest for? Come to think about it, what do you need a vest for anyway?
When I got the suit home I discovered that part of the electronic tag was still on the vest. I put the vest in the back of the closet and never saw it again.
So last week, when I was driving my blue jeans back to the store to have the electronic tag removed, something dawned on me. This was the third time that I took home a clothing item with the part of the electronic tag still attached. Is it possible that it’s my fault?
Nay. It’s my wife’s fault.