The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

March 14, 2013

Mike Pound: Sometimes instructions are just overkill

On Thursday afternoon, I turned the TV off after the fifth inning, when the St. Louis Cardinals scored four runs and took a two-run lead over the Atlanta Braves.

It was the right thing to do. It’s spring training, and Thursday’s game was the first game I have seen this year. I did the same thing two weeks ago when, on the way home from St. Louis, I listened to only a couple of innings of the Cardinals on the radio before switching back to Jimmy Buffett’s radio station.

You don’t want to overdo it early in spring training. Two weeks ago, after a couple of innings of listening to baseball, I felt one of my hamstrings tighten up, so I stopped. I’m not sure which hamstring tightened up because I’m not sure where my hamstrings are or if I even have them. Hamstrings, to me, sound like something they would serve at a fast-food joint.

“Would you like fries, Suzy Q’s or hamstrings with that?”

My point is, you can’t just plop down in front of a TV or radio and expect to be in baseball shape in March. It’s just not possible. If you do, you risk injury, which would be terrible because a spring training injury could set you back several weeks, and then you wouldn’t be able to watch or listen to baseball until mid-April, when the Kansas City Royals already will have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Ha! That’s my annual spring Kansas City Royals joke. I make a joke like that every spring, and every spring I say that hopefully the Royals have improved and the joke won’t apply, but it always does.

This year, I think, will be the last year I can make that joke for a while because the Royals look pretty good. Of course, it’s just spring training and the Royals have plenty of time to start sucking again, but I’m thinking (and hoping) that won’t happen this year.

So there, Royals’ fans, you don’t have to hit “send” on those nasty emails.

Instead of thinking about baseball, I’ve decided to think about morons. And, no, I don’t mean our Congress creatures or the Oklahoma politicians who think selling horse meat is a good idea.

I’m talking about the morons who force people who make things to slap unnecessary warnings and instructions on the products they produce.

You know, instructions such as these actual instructions that are on an actual bottle of shampoo in my actual shower: “Wet hair, massage onto scalp, rinse, repeat if desired.”

Is there anybody out there who, after buying a bottle of shampoo, says, “I sure hope this thing comes with instructions”? And then, after reading the instructions, says, “Oh! I wet my hair first! That makes much more sense.”

Wednesday night, for some reason, I was really hungry. How hungry? So hungry that I decided to fix some frozen prepared chicken wings. I don’t mean to be rude, but frozen wings taste like cardboard but without that great cardboard texture.

The only reason we had wings in our freezer is because my wife likes to prepare for emergencies such as snowstorms, Internet failures or cellphone service interruptions.

Now when it comes to cooking frozen prepared foods, a certain amount of instruction is actually needed, such as what temperature to set your oven, for example, or how long to cook the product, or what sort of container to place the frozen items on when placing them in the oven.

But beyond that, I think any more instructions are overkill. So you can imagine how I felt when, after reading that I needed to preheat the oven to 450 degrees, cook the wings on a cookie sheet for eight minutes, turn them over and cook them for eight more minutes, I also found these instructions that — as Dave Barry used to say — I am not making up: “Do not stack the wings.”

I can’t wait to read the instructions that will come with Oklahoma horse meat.

DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

Text Only
Local News
  • 072814_jd anderson.jpg VIDEO: Noel strongman advances on talent show

    The past week has been busier than normal for Noel resident J.D. Anderson. Members of the production crew for NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” told him they have shot more footage of him than of other contestants for the next episode. “They said I have the busiest schedule of anyone this week,” Anderson told the Globe in a phone interview Friday. “There’s so many fun things you can do with B-roll as a strongman.”

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • AndraBryanStefanoni.jpg Andra Bryan Stefanoni: ‘Annie’ production is a family thing

    There’s a twist to this week’s production of “Annie” at Memorial Auditorium. The show, a beloved classic tale of an orphan girl in search of a family, is full of real-life family members.

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • 072514 Band Box.jpg Jo Ellis: Carthage icon continues to play in local restaurant

    Chicago Coin’s Band-Box, also known as “Strike Up the Band,” has been a Carthage icon since the mid- to late 1950s. Any customer who frequented Red’s Diner, or Ray’s Cafe, and now the Pancake Hut is familiar with the pulsating rhythms and movements of this mechanical device.

    July 27, 2014 2 Photos

  • SusanRedden.jpg Susan Redden: Gubernatorial hopefuls make area appearances

    Three potential candidates for Missouri governor in 2016 made stops in the Joplin area this past week.

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • r072814mailcar.jpg SLIDE SHOW: Train mail car trailered on Joplin's Main Street to Redings Mill

    With a police escort leading the way Monday, postal car No. 34 breezed through downtown Joplin en route to its new home in Redings Mill, where it was greeted by a welcome party of local residents and railroad enthusiasts.

    July 28, 2014 1 Photo 1 Slideshow

  • Anti-landfill group seeks grand jury probe

    As more than 200 people filed into Riverton High School on Sunday to attend an anti-landfill group meeting, many stopped to sign a petition asking the Cherokee County District Court to summon a grand jury to investigate how land was acquired by the city of Galena for a proposed landfill.

    July 27, 2014

  • shoalcreekcleanup.jpg Wildcat Glades center puts on service day at Shoal Creek

    About 20 people on Saturday pulled trash out of Shoal Creek as they paddled in canoes and kayaks from Grand Falls to Zan’s Creekside Campground in Joplin.

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

  • Hearts & Hammers plans annual home repair event

    Since 2003, volunteers with Hearts & Hammers of Southwest Missouri have made free improvements to more than 170 homes owned by the elderly, physically disabled, and single parent or low-income families.

    July 26, 2014

  • Money clouds farm fight

    For much of the summer, while the campaign surrounding “right to farm” has been focused on its impact on “small, family farmers,” the bulk of the money pouring into the fight has come from big agriculture interests.

    July 26, 2014

  • jameswelbornupdate.jpg Local teen completes half of solo river trip

    James Welborn, a recent Webb City High School graduate, has reached the halfway point of his solo canoe trip down the Mississippi River — just in time to celebrate his 19th birthday with family.

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

Must Read


Given that the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that electronic devices and communications are protected from searches and seizure without a warrant, do you think Missouri needs Amendment 9 added to its constitution?

A. Yes.
B. No.
     View Results
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter