The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

March 24, 2013

Mike Pound: Something alien about spring break destination

JOPLIN, Mo. — Finally, they believe me.

Since shortly after we arrived in St. Augustine, Fla., I have been trying to tell my wife and our 15-year-old daughter about the aliens.

“We don’t believe you,” my wife and Emma would say. But I knew the truth. I knew that all of the old people from St. Augustine had been kidnapped and replaced by alien old people from Ontario, Canada.

We were in St. Augustine for spring break. We picked St. Augustine because it’s not a college spring break destination. My wife and I didn’t want to go somewhere where we could see college students throw up on each other. We’re funny that way.

What we didn’t know is that St. Augustine, at least in March, is populated entirely by old people. How old? So old that I was called a “young whippersnapper” at least four times. So old that at least two guys where we were staying referred to our rental car as a “horseless carriage.”

When I shopped at the St. Augustine Winn-Dixie, the bag boys were old guys. So was the clerk at the convenience store where I bought a paper each morning. From what I could tell, the average age of the people in St. Augustine was 87.3, and most of their Social Security cards only had two digits on them.

At first, things seemed normal. All of the old people we ran into on the beach were very active and very friendly. All day long the old people walked up and down the beach. Every once in a while a group of old people would gather and start talking. They would turn around and look at Emma, my wife and me, and then they would start talking to each other again.

“I think they’re talking about us,” I said.

“You’re crazy,“ my wife said.

Later, an old man approached my wife and me.

“Hi,” he said.

I said “hi” back, and then the old guy pointed to the beer in my hand.

“A word of warning,” he said. “They frown on that around here. They will make you pour it out, and they will give you a ticket.”

I thanked the guy and he moved on down the beach looking for more young whippersnappers. At first I thought by “they” the old guy meant the St. Augustine police. But then I realized he meant the aliens from Ontario.

I decided the aliens had to be from Ontario because I saw at least 10 cars with Ontario license plates in the parking lot of the complex where we were staying.

When I told my wife about the license plates, she laughed.

“Emma, your dad thinks we are surrounded by aliens from Ontario,” she said.

“You won’t be laughing when you’re forced to have universal health care and go to hockey games,” I said.

My wife laughed again.

On Thursday morning we stopped in a Starbucks to get some coffee. A young guy was working behind the register.

“Do you know about the aliens?” I asked him.

He looked at me like I was crazy. Then he asked my name, wrote it on a coffee cup and handed it to someone next to him.

“They’re trying to tell me something,” I said.

“They’re trying to tell you that you’re crazy,” my wife said.

Later, in the parking lot, a guy who was loading his car next to ours stopped to let my wife pass so she could get into our car. My wife chatted with the guy for a second, and he recommended a nice place to eat.

“Everyone here is so friendly,” my wife said.

“That’s because they’re aliens,” I said.

My wife laughed and then, all of a sudden, she stopped laughing and started screaming.

“Mike. Look at his car tags. He’s from Ontario!” my wife shouted.

I would tell you more, but I’ve got to stop typing. The hockey game is on.

Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

1
Text Only
Local News
  • 0420earthday.jpg Prairie State Park kicks off Earth Day events

    Prairie State Park began celebrating Earth Day early with an event Saturday that provided a chance for people of all ages to learn more about how they can protect the environment.

    April 19, 2014 1 Photo

  • Joplin Catholic schools to hold annual spring auction

    The Joplin Area Catholic Schools spring auction will be staged Saturday at the Jack Lawton Webb Convention Center, 5300 S. Range Line Road in Joplin.

    April 19, 2014

  • Wally Kennedy MUG72.jpg Wally Kennedy: Another pizza choice and ice cream on the way

    A new pizza restaurant is coming to the northwest corner of Stone’s Corner in the Village of Airport Drive. Piez is opening this week in a storefront that formerly housed Quincy Magoo’s, 6039 N. Main Street Road, which has been closed for more than two years.

    April 19, 2014 1 Photo

  • mike pound_cnhi .jpg Mike Pound: No more hiding Easter eggs or emotions

    Well, that’s a wrap on the Easter egg hunts. For about 15 years we have staged not one, but two Easter egg hunts for our now 16-year-old daughter, Emma.

    April 19, 2014 1 Photo

  • 041914 Wedding1_72.jpg VIDEO: Cancer patient walks down aisle in wedding thrown by friends

    A year ago, Schandera Jordan was diagnosed with a rare form cervical cancer. And months after a radical hysterectomy, doctors confirmed the worst: The cancer had spread to her lungs and pancreas.

    April 19, 2014 2 Photos

  • r041614giregabby.jpg SLIDE SHOW: Teen with cystic fibrosis finds widespread support

    When the Nevada Show Choir performs its spring show on stage, it’s impossible to pick out the student with cystic fibrosis because there are no outward clues.
    Gabby Gire, 18, is just another performer. She sings, she dances, she smiles for the audience.

    April 19, 2014 1 Photo 1 Slideshow

  • Enrollment open for Joplin summer school

    Enrollment is now open for the Joplin school district’s summer school session, which will run Wednesday, June 4, though Tuesday, July 1.

    April 19, 2014

  • r041814capbus4.jpg Funding shortfall could hinder public transportation in Southeast Kansas

    For the past two years, Pittsburg State University sophomore Travis Cook has been using public transportation to get to and from his classes. He began using the bus his freshman year, when he didn’t have a vehicle to drive even to the grocery store — which is said to be the case for many who use the service.

    April 18, 2014 2 Photos

  • Bruner denied change of venue for murder trial

    Circuit Judge Gayle Crane has denied a change of venue for a defendant charged with fatally shooting an assistant football coach at Missouri Southern State University. The attorney for Jeffrey Bruner claimed pretrial publicity as the reason for seeking a change of venue in Jasper County Circuit Court.

    April 18, 2014

  • Russell family sues city, Joplin police

    Family members of a teenage girl whose suicide a year ago brought them into conflict with police officers and emergency medical technicians are suing the city and the Joplin Police Department. Kevin and Julissa Russell and their son, Brant Russell, are the plaintiffs in a lawsuit filed in Jasper County Circuit Court. The action filed on the Russells’ behalf by Kansas City attorney Andrew Protzman names the city, the Police Department and Officers Austin Wolf and Tyler Christensen as defendants.

    April 18, 2014

Must Read
Sports
Photos


Facebook
Poll

Missouri Republicans are considering a new approach to prevent federal agents from enforcing laws the state considers to be infringements on gun rights: barring them from future careers in state law enforcement agencies. Do you think this proposal has merit?

Yes
No
     View Results
Opinion
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter