Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.
I have a wife and a 15-year-old daughter, which means I have no reason to exist.
Veteran husbands know that having a wife means husbands have no reason to exist with the exception of taking out the trash and, in my case, cleaning the cats’ litter boxes. We have had three cats as long as my wife and I have been married. The cats we have now are not the cats we started with but are replacement cats. I’m not really a big fan of cats. I’m more of a dog fan, so it’s sort of strange that I have shared my house with cats for as long as I’ve been married.
Early in our marriage, cleaning the cats’ litter boxes was a shared chore. When the boxes needed to be cleaned, someone would clean them. But when my wife got pregnant, she informed me that she wasn’t supposed to clean litter boxes.
Just to be sure, I checked my wife’s claim with Stephanie, our veterinary friend. Stephanie told me that my wife was correct.
Well, Emma is 15, and I’m still cleaning the litter boxes.
Several years ago, when I pointed out the fact that my wife still wasn’t cleaning the litter boxes, she said, “You can never be too careful.”
But beyond taking out the trash and cleaning litter boxes, as far as my wife is concerned I have no reason to exist. As for Emma — I think I have mentioned that she is 15 — I have no reason to exist except for killing spiders. I ceased having another reason to exist to her at least three years ago.
With no reason to exist in my own house, I pretty much sit around and watch sports on TV, take out the trash, clean the litter boxes and kill spiders.
It’s not a bad life, really. Sure, it would be nice if someone would talk to me every now and then. But, really, I don’t have that much to say except for things like, “Boy, that was a big spider!” or “What have you been feeding the cats?”
But every once in a while, my wife and Emma do need me.
Again, I mentioned that Emma is 15, which means she and her mother tend to argue a lot. Well, that’s not exactly true. Our Congress Creatures tend to argue a lot. My wife and Emma argue all the time.
This is how many of their arguments start:
Wife: “Hi, Emma. How was school?”
Emma: “FINE! GOSH!”
Wife: “Don’t use that tone at me.”
Emma: “FINE! GOSH!”
Wife: “And don’t roll your eyes at me.”
Emma: “(Rolling her eyes) FINE! GOSH!”
Whenever I hear my wife and Emma arguing, I look for some trash to take out or a litter box to clean. I am both a veteran husband and a veteran dad, which means I learned long ago that the last place I want to be is in the middle of an argument between my wife and Emma. This is a little known historical fact, but the Hundred Years’ War was started when a dad got caught in the middle of an argument between his wife and his 15-year-old daughter. It’s true. If it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be in a newspaper.
Getting caught in the middle of an argument between your wife and your 15-year-old daughter is the ultimate definition of a “no-win situation.” It’s like getting caught in the middle of a fight between two sharks. You know you’re going to get bitten, the only question is how badly.
On Sunday morning, I was in the living room reading the paper when I heard my wife and Emma upstairs arguing about something. Before I could find some trash to take out, Emma came downstairs, quickly followed by my wife.
“DAAAAAAAAADDDDD!” Emma said.
“MIKE!” my wife said.
Then they both proceeded to tell me that the other person was horrible.
“DO SOMETHING,” Emma said.
“DO SOMETHING,” my wife said.
So I did. And — seriously — what are we feeding those cats?
DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.
- Local News
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