By Mike Pound
The packages started arriving a couple of days ago and will probably keep coming for a few more days.
The packages are sort of a tradition. They signify the end of our vacation even though our vacation ended more than a week ago.
My wife tends to pack a lot of things when we go on vacation. I’m not sure what my wife packs and I’m not sure I want to know. I just know that when it’s time to leave for vacation, my wife’s suitcases weigh roughly the same as an elephant who has just finished off a lunch buffet at Pizza Hut.
(In case you’re wondering, elephants are partial to pizza with lots of pepperoni. And peanuts.)
There have been times when my wife’s suitcases exceeded the airline’s allowable weight limit.
That’s right, sometimes my wife’s suitcases are too heavy for an airplane.
In addition to overpacking, my wife likes to carry extra items on the plane. When it’s obvious that my wife is trying to carry more than what’s allowed onto the plane, she tries to get me or our 15-year-old daughter, Emma, to carry some of her items. As you might imagine this request is greeted with a tad bit of hostility.
Wait, that’s not exactly true. When Sean Hannity talks about Democrats, that’s a tad bit of hostility; Emma and I greet my wife’s requests with a lot of hostility.
Emma and I try to carry as little as possible onto planes. We figure that getting onto a plane is tough enough these days, so why make it worse by hauling a bunch of stuff you don’t need.
My wife also packs an empty bag when she goes on vacation. The reason she does this is so she will have a bag for all of the things she plans to buy.
“You could just not buy anything when we’re on vacation,” I once told my wife.
“HAHAHAHAHHA,” my wife said, and then paused and looked at me for a second.
“Oh, you’re serious,” she said.
I don’t understand why the word vacation is synonymous with “shopping.”
“You can buy those things at home,” I tell me wife.
“It’s not the same,” she says.
“I see,” I say, even though I seldom do see.
The way my wife shops when we’re on vacation makes it virtually impossible for her to fit all of her purchases into the empty bag she packs for the return trip.
“No problem,” my wife always says. “I’ll just ship the rest of it.”
My wife will enter a store, spend an hour or so and come out empty handed.
“Didn’t you find anything you wanted?” I will ask.
“Sure, I found lots of stuff,” my wife will say.
“Where is it?”
“I had it shipped.”
To my wife, shipping is the perfect solution.
My wife just doesn’t ship home things that she buys for herself, she also ships home things that we buy for Emma.
On our most recent vacation, we purchased Emma a boogie board to use in the ocean. On our last day on vacation my wife told me she was taking Emma’s boogie board to some shipping store.
“Why?” I asked.
“So she can use it at home,” my wife said.
“We’re sort of far from the beach,” I said.
My wife ignored me and drove off to ship Emma’s boogie board.
Do you know how much it costs to ship a boogie board? Neither do I, but I’m pretty sure it cost more than we paid for the board in the first place.
So now the packages from our vacation have started arriving.
Hey, if you’re looking for a smart investment, you might pick up some UPS stock. I’m thinking it’s probably going to go up.
DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.