My wife got mad at me Saturday, and, as always, it wasn’t my fault.
See, earlier in the week my wife mentioned that she was going to help drive our 14-year-old daughter, Emma, and some of her friends around to visit spook houses on Saturday.
“I know you want to watch your game, so you don’t have to help,” my wife said to me.
“You’re right,” I said.
At the time, I wondered if the game my wife thought I wanted to watch was the St. Louis Cardinals’ game against the San Francisco Giants. If she did, then there was no reason for me not to drive Emma and her friends because the Cardinals weren’t playing on Saturday night. I was going to mention that fact to my wife, but then I remembered that Kansas State was playing football on Saturday night, so I kept my mouth shut. For just a second, a feeling of guilt came over me about the possible misunderstanding. But then it went away.
Saturday afternoon, while I was watching football, my wife asked me what time the Cardinals’ game started, and without thinking I said, “The Cards don’t play tonight.”
My wife said a bad word.
“What?” I said.
“You lied to me,” my wife said.
“I did not,” I said.
“I said that I knew you wanted to watch the Cardinals’ game,” my wife said.
“You said you knew I wanted to watch ‘your game.’ You didn’t say ‘the Cardinals’ game,’” I said.
“But that’s what I meant,” my wife said.
“Why would I want to watch a game that isn’t even on?” I asked.
My wife said she was through talking to me and walked away.
(Note to any rookie married men out there: When your wife says she is through talking to you, she usually isn’t.)
Later, my wife told me that she couldn’t believe that I tricked her into driving Emma and her friends around on Saturday night. When I pointed out that it was my wife who volunteered to drive so I could stay home and watch the game, my wife told me that wasn’t the point. When I asked my wife what the point was, she told me the point was that I should go with her when she drove Emma and her friends to spook houses. When I told my wife that I didn’t see her point, she said another bad word.
“That’s it, I’m through talking to you,” my wife said and walked off.
Later, my wife came back to tell me that I was off the driving hook. Turns out that another male parent who was going with his wife to help drive the kids around was no longer going, either. I guess my wife figured it would now be easier if just the female parents drove the kids around and, while they waited, they could talk about female parent topics.
By the way, the No. 1 female parent topic is male parents and how selfish we are. And, in case you’re wondering, the No. 1 male parent topic is sports, closely followed by pizza.
At about 10:30 p.m. Saturday, my wife called me. She told me that she wasn’t through driving kids home. She said she had one more of Emma’s friends to drive home, and that the friend lived in the country. She asked me if I wanted to go with her. I told my wife that I did not. I told her that since she said she was going to drive Emma’s friends home, that is what she should do.
Of course, I said that on the inside.
On the outside I said, “I would love to ride with you.”
Hey, I may be stupid, but I’m not crazy.
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