The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

March 29, 2014

Mike Pound: Summer over before it begins

JOPLIN, Mo. — So how was your summer?

I know it’s still March, but because I’m the parent of a teenage girl, my summer is already over. I know that because the other day my wife looked up from her calendar and said, “Well, the summer is over.”

My wife wasn’t looking at just any calendar. She was looking at her “work” calendar, which she uses to keep track of both her day-to-day work and family activities.

Years ago, my wife tried to use two different calendars — one for work and one for family — but she gave that up after one year when, based on her calendars, I booked a flight to Chicago for the week after I booked our hotel reservations.

So now, whenever I ask my wife a question, she has to stop and get her calendar.

“What weekend is Emma’s dance recital?” I might ask.

“Hold on, I have to get my calendar,” my wife will say.

“For your birthday I was planning to  ...,” I might say.

“Hold on, I have to get my calendar,” my wife will say.

“Have you seen my glasses?” I might ask.

“Hold on, I have to get my calendar,” my wife will say.

I lose my glasses a lot, by the way. But that’s OK because my wife loses her keys all the time. The only time we have a problem is if I happen to lose my glasses at the same time my wife loses her keys.

“Have you seen my glasses?”

“No, have you seen my keys?”

“No, because I don’t have my glasses.”

“I can’t help you find your glasses until you help me find my keys.”

“I can’t help you find your keys until you help me find my glasses.”

It’s a regular O. Henry deal, is what it is.

As I was saying, the other day my wife looked up from her calendar and announced that our summer was over.

“That can’t be possible,” I said.

“It’s true,” my wife said. “I put everything on a spreadsheet, ran all the numbers, refigured the time-space continuum, accidentally signed 38 people up for health care, and my computer still says our summer is over.”

I asked my wife if she tried turning her computer off and turning it back on.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” she asked. “That was the first thing I did.”

Apparently, because of our 16-year-old daughter Emma’s summer schedule, my wife’s work schedule and my … wait … I’m sure I have something ... let me check.

Nope, turns out I have nothing. But between their schedules, our summer is already over. According to my wife, we don’t have an open summer weekend until the third week of July.

I asked my wife what we could possibly have going on that would tie up almost every weekend, and she started to tell me.

After about 15 minutes, my head started to hurt, so I went to the refrigerator to get a beer. When I got back, my wife was still talking.

I don’t remember when I lost my summers. When I was a kid, summer seemed to go on forever. We would get up, have breakfast and then my mom would tell us to go outside and not come back until it started to get dark or we were bleeding. Not just “I scraped my knee” bleeding but “I cut off my arm” bleeding.

When I was a single adult my summers were spent … well, I don’t remember. To be honest, that’s probably a good thing.

Now, my summers are over before they begin.

I started to complain a bit that our summer weekends were all gone, but my wife just scoffed at me. That’s right, she scoffed at me.

“What are you complaining about? Your whole life is one long summer weekend,” she said.

Wow.  

My wife sure gets grouchy when summer is over.

DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

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