The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

June 25, 2012

Mike Pound: Don’t confuse going ‘metro’ with killing time

As always, I blame my wife.

If my wife and our 14-year-old daughter had not left me alone in a large urban mall, I wouldn’t have found myself sitting in a chair while a very attractive blond female applied various male beauty products to my face.

We were in Chicago. It was a fine, sunny Friday, about midmorning. It was a perfect day to take in the sights and to revel in the Windy City without having to put up with wind. Of course, my wife and Emma decided to go shopping.

We started our day walking along a stretch of Michigan Avenue known as the Miracle Mile because if at the end you’re not out of money, it’s a miracle.

Our goal, or at least my goal, was to stroll the Miracle Mile until we reached the Billy Goat Tavern. And then I was going to enter the door below street level to the bar, and have a famous Billy Goat cheeseburger and a famous Billy Goat Tavern beer, leaving my wife and Emma free to shop to their hearts’ content or until they ran out of money.

I never made it to the Billy Goat Tavern because along the way, my wife saw a sign for something called Nordstrom, which, I discovered, is a large department store that my wife and Emma decided we had to enter. So we entered the building, but when we got inside I didn’t see Nordstrom right away. What I saw was a whole host of stores.

“This is just a mall,” I said.

“Yeah, isn’t it great?” my wife and Emma said.

I didn’t think it was so great, so while my wife and Emma ran off to find Nordstrom, I walked around the mall hoping to find a store that interested me. After about 15 minutes, I gave up and went to find my wife and Emma. When I found them, they were looking at shoes. Knowing that nothing good would come of that, I walked out of Nordstrom and found a nice chair and sat down. After about 30 minutes, I started to walk back into the store. As I entered the store, a very attractive, young, blond female stopped me.

Normally when I get stopped by someone in a store, I immediately say that I’m not interested and keep walking, but since the person who stopped me was attractive, young, blond and female, I decided it would be rude to not hear what she had to say.

What she had to say was that she wanted to demonstrate some male skin products on me.

“How much will it cost?” I asked her.

“Nothing,” she said.

“What will you try to sell me?” I asked.

“Everything,” she said.

That made me laugh, so I thought to myself, “What the heck, my wife and daughter have abandoned me in a large, urban mall. What do I have to lose other than my dignity?”

I sat down in the chair.

I told the woman that if my wife and daughter were to catch me with an attractive female rubbing beauty stuff on my face, I would never hear the end of it for as long as I lived.

“I hear that a lot,” she said.

About 10 minutes later, as she was explaining how to apply some sort of lotion that would keep my face from getting old, I heard laughter. I looked to my left and saw my wife and Emma.

“Mom,” Emma said. “It’s true. Dad IS getting ‘metro’!”

I told Emma that I wasn’t getting “metro.” I told Emma that all I wanted was to go to the Billy Goat Tavern. I just hoped that because of the stuff the female person put on my face, I wouldn’t have to show an ID to get a beer.

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