As always, I blame my wife.
If my wife and our 14-year-old daughter had not left me alone in a large urban mall, I wouldn’t have found myself sitting in a chair while a very attractive blond female applied various male beauty products to my face.
We were in Chicago. It was a fine, sunny Friday, about midmorning. It was a perfect day to take in the sights and to revel in the Windy City without having to put up with wind. Of course, my wife and Emma decided to go shopping.
We started our day walking along a stretch of Michigan Avenue known as the Miracle Mile because if at the end you’re not out of money, it’s a miracle.
Our goal, or at least my goal, was to stroll the Miracle Mile until we reached the Billy Goat Tavern. And then I was going to enter the door below street level to the bar, and have a famous Billy Goat cheeseburger and a famous Billy Goat Tavern beer, leaving my wife and Emma free to shop to their hearts’ content or until they ran out of money.
I never made it to the Billy Goat Tavern because along the way, my wife saw a sign for something called Nordstrom, which, I discovered, is a large department store that my wife and Emma decided we had to enter. So we entered the building, but when we got inside I didn’t see Nordstrom right away. What I saw was a whole host of stores.
“This is just a mall,” I said.
“Yeah, isn’t it great?” my wife and Emma said.
I didn’t think it was so great, so while my wife and Emma ran off to find Nordstrom, I walked around the mall hoping to find a store that interested me. After about 15 minutes, I gave up and went to find my wife and Emma. When I found them, they were looking at shoes. Knowing that nothing good would come of that, I walked out of Nordstrom and found a nice chair and sat down. After about 30 minutes, I started to walk back into the store. As I entered the store, a very attractive, young, blond female stopped me.
Normally when I get stopped by someone in a store, I immediately say that I’m not interested and keep walking, but since the person who stopped me was attractive, young, blond and female, I decided it would be rude to not hear what she had to say.
What she had to say was that she wanted to demonstrate some male skin products on me.
“How much will it cost?” I asked her.
“Nothing,” she said.
“What will you try to sell me?” I asked.
“Everything,” she said.
That made me laugh, so I thought to myself, “What the heck, my wife and daughter have abandoned me in a large, urban mall. What do I have to lose other than my dignity?”
I sat down in the chair.
I told the woman that if my wife and daughter were to catch me with an attractive female rubbing beauty stuff on my face, I would never hear the end of it for as long as I lived.
“I hear that a lot,” she said.
About 10 minutes later, as she was explaining how to apply some sort of lotion that would keep my face from getting old, I heard laughter. I looked to my left and saw my wife and Emma.
“Mom,” Emma said. “It’s true. Dad IS getting ‘metro’!”
I told Emma that I wasn’t getting “metro.” I told Emma that all I wanted was to go to the Billy Goat Tavern. I just hoped that because of the stuff the female person put on my face, I wouldn’t have to show an ID to get a beer.
As always, I blame my wife.
- Local News
Pension funding improving, actuary reports
An extra $1 million contribution by the city of Joplin last year to the Police and Firemen’s Pension Fund boosted the funding ratio of the plan by 2 percent, the plan’s actuary told the board Thursday morning.
Special counsel to be appointed in ethics complaint against Neosho council members
The Neosho Ethics Board on Wednesday voted to ask the City Council to appoint a special counsel to provide legal advice to the board’s remaining two members as they investigate a complaint against two members of the council.
Mike Pound: Will new Earth-like planet have better cable offerings?
When I read that astronomers have discovered the most Earth-like planet yet, I had a couple of deep scientific questions. First: What’s the Wi-Fi like? And: Are their TV channels better than ours? Hey, I didn’t get an “Incomplete” in college astronomy for nothing.
Christian ministry plans Missouri camp expansion
A nondenominational Christian ministry is planning a $21.5 million expansion on land it owns near Table Rock Lake in southwest Missouri, with a goal of offering gatherings beyond the traditional summer camps.
Joplin school district readies community safe rooms for storm season
Thousands of Joplin residents will soon be able to stay safe during storms in some of the region’s newest shelters. Community safe rooms at Cecil Floyd, Stapleton, McKinley and Eastmorland elementary schools, which double as gymnasiums, and Junge Field, which will double as a field house, are expected to be open within the next few weeks, according to Mike Johnson, the school district’s director of construction.
Carl Junction ‘Treble Makers’ to sing at Springfield Cardinals’ stadium
Next month, 75 Carl Junction sixth-grade students will sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Hammons Field before a Springfield Cardinals game. And with more than 600 parents, family members and other residents planning to attend, the May 3 event has been dubbed “Carl Junction Day.”
Public hearing set on posed TIF district
Financial details of a proposed new tax increment financing district for the Silver Creek Galleria area will be discussed in detail at an April 28 public hearing, members of the city’s TIF Commission were told Thursday. Chris Williams, a TIF attorney representing the city of Joplin, told the panel the Thursday meeting was intended to walk commissioners through the public hearing steps.
Volunteer projects spark two bills in Jefferson City
moving through the Missouri House and Senate were inspired by a volunteer project in Carl Junction last year that stalled over a question of whether those volunteers had to be paid prevailing wage under Missouri law. “This bill is very simple. All it says is if someone is a volunteer, they won’t be forced to be paid prevailing wage,” state Rep. Charlie Davis, R-Webb City, told lawmakers during a hearing on his bill last week.
Chairman of Neosho Ethics Board resigns
The chairman of the Neosho Ethics Board unexpectedly resigned on Thursday as the board investigates a complaint against Neosho City Council members David Ruth and Steve Hart.
CWEP receives top honor from national power group
The Carthage Water and Electric Plant has received the top award for reliable electrical service from the American Public Power Association.
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