My third-grade teacher, Sister Philothea, would not be happy with me.
Lately, I have been thinking bad thoughts, and if you attended Catholic schools, you know that thinking bad thoughts is just as bad as actually doing something bad. Sure, in a court of law merely thinking bad thoughts to yourself might not be a big deal, but Sister Philothea’s classroom was not a courtroom.
I want a blizzard of epic proportions on Feb. 2. OK, maybe not a blizzard, but I want it to be really cold and really miserable on Feb. 2 — the kind of cold and miserable in which only a moron, or someone who absolutely had to do so, would venture outside.
But I don’t want it to be cold and miserable everywhere on Feb. 2. Nope, I want it to be cold and miserable in just one particular spot: the Meadowlands Sports Complex in East Rutherford, N.J.
And actually, it would be great if the cold, miserable weather was restricted to just the Meadowlands Sports Complex. No reason for the rest of East Rutherford to suffer.
The reason I’m hoping for cold and miserable weather at the Meadowlands Sports Complex on Feb. 2 is because that’s where and when the Super Bowl will be played.
Normally, the Super Bowl is either played outdoors in warm climates or indoors in colder climates. But, this year, the folks who run the National Football League decided it would be a hoot to play the Super Bowl in an outdoor stadium in a normally cold climate.
Here’s how I suspect the sales pitch from the marketing department to the NFL big shots went:
Marketing guy: “So, in 2014, we propose playing the Super Bowl at the Meadowlands.”
NFL big shots: “Are you crazy? Why?”
Marketing guy: “As a thank-you to the people who made the NFL successful. See, we can, because of the expected cold weather, lower the ticket prices so the average fan can attend a Super Bowl.”
NFL big shots: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You knucklehead, you almost had us.”
Marketing guy: “Ha-ha. No, seriously, we think if we play the game in the New York City area, we can charge more and make a fortune.”
NFL big shots: “But what about the average fans?”
Marketing guy: “HAHAHAHAHA! You guys … you almost got ME that time.”
I did something I seldom do before writing this column: research. My research consisted of typing “Super Bowl 2014 tickets” into the Google search box and then clicking on the first ticket website that popped up. According to that website, I could get a Super Bowl ticket in the very upper level at the Meadowlands Sports Complex for $6,550. But, since I’m not an upper-level kind of guy, I looked at the cost of a ticket in something called the “Commissioner’s Suite,” and I found one for just slightly more than $800,000.
Now, to be fair, the prices on the website did not appear to be official NFL prices. In fact, the website noted that some of the ticket prices might have been above face value.
But still, I’m guessing a bunch of Super Bowl tickets will be in the six-figure range. And who shells out six figures to watch a football game? Morons with more money than sense, is what I’m thinking.
Actually, I would be OK if the morons shelling out six figures for Super Bowl tickets were using their own money. I mean a fool and his money, right?
But, in many cases corporations are shelling out the money. And, while corporations sometimes want to be treated like people, using their own money for Super Bowl tickets isn’t one of those times. The people who actually shell out six figures for Super Bowl tickets are folks like you and me who provide money for whatever it is the corporations are selling.
So, the way I figure it, if a bunch of morons are using my money for Super Bowl tickets, I want them to be cold and miserable.
And come to think about it, I’m pretty sure Sister Philothea would too.
DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
My third-grade teacher, Sister Philothea, would not be happy with me.
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