Sometime Sunday evening, the opening ceremonies for the 2012 London Olympics, which began Friday, will come to end and the games will be allowed to begin.
At least that’s the impression I got after reading an Associated Press preview of the opening ceremonies. According to Danny Boyle, director of the opening ceremonies, it will “take viewers on a sweeping journey through Britain’s history.”
I took a world history class in college and I seem to remember spending the better part of a semester studying Britain’s history, so I’m thinking opening ceremonies will take a while.
According the AP, Danny doesn’t plan on taking many shortcuts as he tells the rest of the world the story of Britain. How else do you explain the sheep?
That’s right, no history of Britain would be complete without sheep, and Danny, the AP says, has signed up 70 sheep to be part of the opening ceremonies.
I wonder how you go about hiring sheep? Do you have to go through a sheep agent? If so, I’m thinking you better be careful picking the agent. You wouldn’t want to get a guy who will ... wait for it ... pull the wool over your eyes.
I’m sorry, that was baaaaaaaad. I feel so sheepish.
Along with the sheep, Danny has arranged for 12 horses, 10 chickens and three sheep dogs in the ceremony. Hmmm, I wonder what could go wrong if you allow three sheep dogs to romp around next to 10 chickens?
Another sign that the opening ceremonies might take a while? Cricket.
Yep, Danny plans to make the sport of cricket part of the show. Have you ever watched a game of cricket? I have (well, part of a game of cricket) and it was almost as fun as watching ice melt, only without the British announcer talking about somebody’s “googly.”
Once Danny is through telling the riveting story of cricket, he plans to move on to the story of the Maypole. While I’m sure the section in the opening ceremonies about the Maypole will take a while, I could sum up the whole history in 20 seconds.
First British Guy: It’s May, what should we do?
Second British Guy: Let’s put up a pole.
First British Guy: Googly!
Finally, Danny plans to have a dance number featuring nurses. That’s right! Nurses! Danny wants the dancing nurses to symbolize Britain’s National Health Care Service. Or, as we call our version of it here, “Obamacare.”
Apparently in Britain the National Health Care Service is popular, which is why, after accidentally insulting all of England earlier this week, Mitt Romney took credit for their health care service.
Danny is also a movie director and even plans to feature James Bond in his opening ceremonies. The opening scene of your typical James Bond movie takes, on average, three hours, so I’m thinking you should plan on four hours at least for the James Bond part of the opening ceremonies. Last, but not least, Danny plans to feature a song by the 103-year-old Paul McCartney.
So let’s sum things up here: The history of Britain, sheep, horses, chickens, sheep dogs, Maypoles, cricket, national health care, James Bond and Paul McCartney.
With luck, the whole thing will end sometime around 11 p.m. Sunday night when the surviving members of Monty Python catapult a sheep into the Olympic Torch.
Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
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