Things around Washington are starting to get out of hand.
I just read that Gen. David Petraeus and his comb over want to secede from the Union. And our Congress creatures apparently aren’t going to do anything about it, which I think is crazy. I mean, who knows what sorts of secrets might be hiding in that thing?
By the way, I’m not sure which is funnier: That our former CIA director apparently went “undercover” or that thousands of people are threatening to secede from the Union. But, I guess if I had to choose I would go with the Petraeus deal. The Petraeus love triangle — or maybe it’s a love rhombus or maybe it’s even a pentagon (ha) — reminds me of an episode of “Get Smart.”
Seceding from the Union is just sort of odd. I mean if someone wants to secede, I’m thinking he should just go ahead and leave. Just talking about seceding doesn’t accomplish anything. When I was a kid and got mad about something and threatened to run away, my mom would always put her arm around me and quietly say, “I’ll help you pack.”
It didn’t help that I have six brothers and sisters, so even if I did run away it would probably take my parents a year — maybe two — before they noticed I was gone.
As I understand it, the folks wanting to secede from the Union are upset about the election. I guess I can see that. I mean what better way to protect democracy than to threaten to secede from the Union when an election doesn’t go your way.
I know some people who have told me that because of the election they are planning to stock up on guns and move to the country. Of course those same people said that same thing four years ago. So there is that.
I even heard some people say that if Mitt Romney didn’t win the election they were going to move to Canada, which I’m sure made the Canadians happy.
“Quick eh? Let’s build a fence around the border, eh? Good bacon, eh?”
To me the secessionists are annoying, but the whole Petraeus affair is an ongoing train wreck that never seems to run out of track.
First we find out that Petraeus got caught — shall we say — sharing too much with Paula Broadwell, his biographer. By the way, who has their own personal biographer? Is it possible that Gen. Comb Over thought a tad too highly of himself?
Then we find out that Petraeus got caught because Broadwell — who to me looks a bit like that woman in the TV show “King of Queens” — sent harassing emails to a woman named Jill Kelley, who looks like a Kardashian. The reason Broadwell sent Kelley the harassing emails was because she thought Kelley was getting too close to her man, which sort of sounds like a Tammy Wynette song.
So Kelley contacts an FBI agent she knew and we later learn that he once sent a topless photo of himself to Kelley. Then he turned the information over to his bosses. That’s when the FBI finds out that Gen. John Allen, who replaced Petraeus as the general in charge in Afghanistan, and Kelley had exchanged thousands of emails that the FBI said were of “a flirtatious nature.”
Is this a great country or what?
You just know that somewhere Bill Clinton is watching all of this and saying, “YEAH BABY!”
So again, all of you folks threatening to secede, please do so. But those of you involved in the Petraeus mess, please stay.
We need the entertainment.
Things around Washington are starting to get out of hand.
- Local News
More than 100 volunteers turn out to move school to its new permanent home
Staff and students of St. Mary’s Elementary School have been through a lot of changes together since their old school at 505 W. 25th St. was destroyed in the 2011 Joplin tornado. Second-grade teacher Bette Schoeberl said the temporary quarters were cramped and that it was sometimes hard to move around. On Saturday, Schoeberl and other staff members moved into their new school building.
Fronts to bring cooler weather
If you can make it through this warm weekend, you’re due for a break. With highs in the mid-90s Saturday and Sunday, and a heat index pushing close to triple digits, the weekend will be warm, but cool weather is on the way, according to Jay Colucci, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service Station in Springfield.
Public invited to informational meeting at Prairie State Park
An informational meeting for Prairie State Park in Barton County is set for 6 p.m. Wednesday, July 23, at the park’s Regal Tallgrass Prairie Nature Center.
Baxter Springs named Kansas Emergency Medical Service of the Year
Baxter Springs Emergency Medical Service was recognized recently as the 2014 Kansas Emergency Medical Service of the Year by the Kansas EMT Association.
Crucifix returns after three-year absence
The original crucifix at St. Mary’s Catholic Church has come home. It had hung behind the altar since 1968, until the 2011 tornado destroyed the church and nearly everything in it, along with the nearby rectory, school, parish center and more.
Study examines costs of starting businesses in area towns
When Firehouse Pottery opened in Joplin this spring, it was just one of the hundreds of new businesses that launch in the Four-State Area each year. Charity Hawkins, a Joplin native, said she and her husband “wanted to do something that would be great” for their hometown and decided to open a business that catered to both youths and adults. But starting a new business is a high-risk gamble.
Mike Pound: Accent pillows overwhelm bedroom
I’m surrounded by mush. Not fried mush, which I think is one of the greatest breakfast foods ever invented as long as it’s prepared correctly.
Wally Kennedy: Lumpy’s takes BBQ on the road
You don’t have to travel too far to find a barbecue place. They’re spread out. If you want barbecue in the north part of Joplin, you can visit Woody’s Smokehouse in the village of Airport Drive. If you want something downtown, there’s Sawmill BBQ in the 600 block of South Main Street. Near Seventh Street and Range Line Road is Billy Sims Barbecue.
Mustangs roll into Joplin for Mother Road Weekend
Amanda Massey, of Joplin, gasped when she saw the 1968 fastback Mustang. “This is gorgeous — simply gorgeous,’’ she said. “I have always wanted an old Mustang.’’ With family members in tow, Massey had an opportunity Friday to examine a herd of wild and colorful Mustangs that muscled its way onto Main Street in downtown Joplin for the Mustang Mother Road Weekend.
Local libraries target early childhood literacy with state program
Local libraries are reporting great success so far this summer with the Racing to Read program, an early childhood literacy initiative from the state. The program, established by Missouri Secretary of State Jason Kander, is designed to help strengthen and expand the quality and availability of library services to address early literacy needs in Missouri.
- More Local News Headlines
- More than 100 volunteers turn out to move school to its new permanent home