The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

November 16, 2012

Mike Pound: Generals and secession make wild headlines

By Mike Pound

— Things around Washington are starting to get out of hand.

I just read that Gen. David Petraeus and his comb over want to secede from the Union. And our Congress creatures apparently aren’t going to do anything about it, which I think is crazy. I mean, who knows what sorts of secrets might be hiding in that thing?

By the way, I’m not sure which is funnier: That our former CIA director apparently went “undercover” or that thousands of people are threatening to secede from the Union. But, I guess if I had to choose I would go with the Petraeus deal. The Petraeus love triangle — or maybe it’s a love rhombus or maybe it’s even a pentagon (ha) — reminds me of an episode of “Get Smart.”

Seceding from the Union is just sort of odd. I mean if someone wants to secede, I’m thinking he should just go ahead and leave. Just talking about seceding doesn’t accomplish anything. When I was a kid and got mad about something and threatened to run away, my mom would always put her arm around me and quietly say, “I’ll help you pack.”

It didn’t help that I have six brothers and sisters, so even if I did run away it would probably take my parents a year — maybe two — before they noticed I was gone.

As I understand it, the folks wanting to secede from the Union are upset about the election. I guess I can see that. I mean what better way to protect democracy than to threaten to secede from the Union when an election doesn’t go your way.

I know some people who have told me that because of the election they are planning to stock up on guns and move to the country. Of course those same people said that same thing four years ago. So there is that.

I even heard some people say that if Mitt Romney didn’t win the election they were going to move to Canada, which I’m sure made the Canadians happy.

“Quick eh? Let’s build a fence around the border, eh? Good bacon, eh?”

To me the secessionists are annoying, but the whole Petraeus affair is an ongoing train wreck that never seems to run out of track.

First we find out that Petraeus got caught — shall we say — sharing too much with Paula Broadwell, his biographer. By the way, who has their own personal biographer? Is it possible that Gen. Comb Over thought a tad too highly of himself?

Then we find out that Petraeus got caught because Broadwell — who to me looks a bit like that woman in the TV show “King of Queens” — sent harassing emails to a woman named Jill Kelley, who looks like a Kardashian. The reason Broadwell sent Kelley the harassing emails was because she thought Kelley was getting too close to her man, which sort of sounds like a Tammy Wynette song.

So Kelley contacts an FBI agent she knew and we later learn that he once sent a topless photo of himself to Kelley. Then he turned the information over to his bosses. That’s when the FBI finds out that Gen. John Allen, who replaced Petraeus as the general in charge in Afghanistan, and Kelley had exchanged thousands of emails that the FBI said were of “a flirtatious nature.”

Is this a great country or what?

You just know that somewhere Bill Clinton is watching all of this and saying, “YEAH BABY!”

So again, all of you folks threatening to secede, please do so. But those of you involved in the Petraeus mess, please stay.

We need the entertainment.