A quick pillow update.
I’m writing this from my chair in our living room while watching the Houston Texans play the Detroit Lions. I like the Lions, but I picked Texas to win, and right now the Lions are winning.
The reason the chair in which I’m sitting is “my chair” is because I like to sit in it to read, and also because no one else in our house likes the chair. I’m sure there are a lot of veteran husbands out there with chairs like mine.
When I tried to sit in my chair, I discovered that my path was blocked by two pillows. One pillow was about the size of Dallas, and the other pillow was about the size of Fort Worth.
They were big pillows is what I’m saying.
Because I am a sensitive veteran husband, I grabbed both pillows and threw them on the floor.
A few minutes later, Shilo, our German shepherd, walked in the room, saw me sitting in my chair and walked over looking for a place to lie down. When she saw that the path to her lying-down spot was blocked by the Texas-sized pillows, she did what any dog would do: She walked on the pillows to get over them.
I thought that was poetic justice.
As I type this, I am trying to keep one eye on a turkey in our oven and one eye on a turkey breast smoking in our outdoor grill. I am also trying to keep one eye on the football game and one eye on this column.
Clearly, I don’t have enough eyes.
In an hour or so, we’ll probably sit down to our Thanksgiving dinner. Then, after taking 20 minutes to eat a meal that we spent 36 hours preparing, we will clean up. Then my wife, mother-in-law and sister-in-law will chat, and I will find my way back to my chair to watch more football while our 14-year-old daughter, Emma, does something with her phone.
It’s a Norman Rockwell painting is what it is.
Later, we will all take a break from our personal Thanksgiving traditions and have some dessert. Then my wife, mother-in-law and sister-in-law will go back to chatting, and I will find my way back to my chair to watch more football, and Emma will go back to her phone.
Later still, we will take another break, and I will collect the now-smoked turkey breast off the outdoor grill and we will fix smoked turkey sandwiches. By then it will be dark, so we will get into the car and drive a block to the Congregation of the Mother Co-Redemptrix and go through their large Christmas light display. As always, I will drive too fast and everyone in the car will tell me to slow down, and I will even though I want to get back and watch more football.
When we get back to our house, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law will go home, and my wife, Emma and I will begin the most cherished of our cherished Thanksgiving traditions: We will pop in our DVD of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”
As I type this, a number of classic “Christmas Vacation” lines are already coming to me.
Lines like “It’s not going in our yard, Russ, it’s going in our house,” or “That’s the gift that keeps on giving, Clark,” or “Merry Christmas! The (bad word) is full.”
But of all the classic “Christmas Vacation” lines, nothing compares with that timeless holiday message delivered in Clark’s heartfelt speech toward the end of the movie. And as my annual holiday gift to you., I am proud to present that speech:
“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, (bad word) hopeless, heartless, fat-(bad word), bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey (bad word) he is! Hallelujah! Holy (bad word)! Where’s the Tylenol?”
Happy holidays, and watch out for the pillows.
DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
A quick pillow update.
- Local News
MSSU board meets today in open session
The Board of Governors executive committee at Missouri Southern State University will meet at 2:30 p.m. today.
Missouri man accused of exploiting teen in Georgia
A Vernon County man is being held on charges that he talked a 16-year-old girl from Georgia into sending him pornographic images of herself and solicited men to have sex with her. Curt L. Bowman, 42, was arrested Friday at his home near Nevada based on information developed by investigators with the Cobb County Police Department in the Atlanta area.
Joplin assistant superintendent position to go unfilled
The recently vacated assistant superintendent position with the Joplin School District will not be filled. That decision is natural now that the district is returning to a more normal operating state nearly three years after the May 2011 tornado damaged or destroyed 10 of its buildings, Superintendent C.J. Huff told the Globe when asked for an update on the vacancy.
Former agency employee pleads guilty in tornado fraud case
A former employee of the Economic Security Corp. in Joplin pleaded guilty Monday to defrauding a disaster relief program that assisted victims of the 2011 tornado. Herlana L. Latham, 32, a former resident of Joplin now living in Memphis, Tenn., pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court in Springfield to conspiracy to commit mail fraud.
Long, cold winter could prompt more disconnects this spring
Vett Spain, of Joplin, uses both electricity and natural gas to heat her home during the winter. During extremely cold winter months — and this winter has been among the coldest for the area — it can cost her almost $500 a month to heat her home.
Mike Pound: Watoto Church brings mission, music to area
What began as a small mission church in Uganda has become home to thousands of children orphaned and women widowed by years of conflict in the African nation. Watoto Church was founded in 1980 in Uganda by Gary and Marilyn Skinner.
New library to be built separate from movie theater
The new Joplin Public Library will be constructed separately from a new movie theater at 20th Street and Connecticut Avenue, the Joplin City Council was told Monday night. Plans had called for the movie theater to be built as a second-floor addition to the library, but interim City Manager Sam Anselm made the announcement of the change at a special meeting of the council.
Carthage board member arrested on DWI charge
Mark Westhoff, a member of the Carthage School Board, was arrested early Sunday in Newton County on a misdemeanor charge of driving while intoxicated. According to the Missouri State Highway Patrol, Westhoff, 56, of Carthage, also has been charged with failing to yield to an emergency vehicle displaying red lights and siren, and failing to drive on the right half of the roadway.
Joplin Memorial Run to hold new event
A new event, the “Walk of Silence,” will be held this year in conjunction with the Joplin Memorial Run. Run organizers also will give out newly designed medals and T-shirts, announced Audie Dennis, chairman of Active Lifestyle Events Inc., the organization that annually stages what has become a run to remember the 161 people who died as a result of the 2011 tornado and to help rebuild Joplin.
Carl Junction Chamber to manage annual bluegrass festival
After 17 years, Carl Junction’s annual bluegrass festival is changing.
- More Local News Headlines
- MSSU board meets today in open session