The pillows are back. I thought that I had gotten them under control. I thought that the pillow content in our house had topped out at 1,149-3, with 1,149 being the number of pillows in our house and three being the number of people in our house.
While 1,149 pillows might seem like a lot of pillows, I have, over the years, managed to come to grips with — and even accepted — the fact that I was surrounded by pillows. It is sort of the way I have adjusted to the fact that there are TV channels that air nothing but reality shows and that our 14-year-old daughter, Emma, likes to watch a series of reality shows based on real housewives. The odd thing is the “real housewives” on those reality shows appear to be pretty much the exact opposite of real housewives. The “real housewives” on the reality shows pretty much spend their time walking around in low-cut, tight-fitting clothes and drinking martinis.
“You know those people on that show are crazy?” I say whenever I find Emma watching a “real housewives” show.
“Duh!” Emma says. “Why do you think I’m watching it?”
So, while I don’t really like the idea that I am surrounded by pillows at home, I have learned to leave with them. But lately I’ve noticed that our pillow population has increased. Some months ago, we purchased a new couch for our family room. I like the couch even though it is made of leather. I don’t come from leather people. I grew up with six brothers and sisters. Leather furniture in the house that I grew up in would have been a bad idea.
But my wife and Emma loved the leather couch when they saw it in a store called Nebraska Furniture Mart even though it isn’t in Nebraska.
When they delivered our new couch they also delivered two big boxes. Inside the boxes were six very large pillows.
“What are those for?” I asked suspiciously.
“The couch,” my wife said.
“(Bad word),” I said.
My wife put three of the unnecessary, island-sized pillows on one end of the couch and three on the other end of the couch. Since I like to sit at the end of the couch, the pillows represent a bit of an obstacle. They are too big to sit on, or next to, but I know that if I toss them on the floor, my wife will get mad at me. So I do what any veteran husband would do.
I toss them on the floor.
What the heck, if my wife doesn’t get mad at me for tossing the pillows, she is going to get mad at me for something else. The way I figure, by tossing the pillows on the floor I’m doing my wife a favor by giving her something to get mad at me about, and I’ve done myself a favor by tossing the pillows on the floor.
Last week, we had a new swing hung on our back porch. When we opened the box we found, in addition to the swing itself, you guessed it: two pillows. The pillows that came with the swing are so unnecessary that even my wife tosses them on the ground.
“How come you get to toss pillows on the ground?” I asked my wife.
“Because they’re unnecessary,” my wife said.
“But ...,” I started to say but then I decided to hold my thought.
I’ve found that you never go wrong, in a marriage, by holding a thought. I have so many thoughts holding in my head that my brain resembles JFK International Airport on the day before Thanksgiving.
Some day I will take all those thoughts and turn them into a reality show. I think I’ll call it “Real Husbands of Southwest Missouri,” and there will be no pillows in the show.
Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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