Our Oscar watching has officially hit a new low.
For years, my wife and I have sat down in front of our TV to watch people hand out awards for a bunch of movies that we have never heard of, and we were OK with that. I mean, my wife and I are comfortable with the fact that we don’t get out much.
Well, that’s not quite accurate. Death-row prisoners don’t get out much. My wife and I really don’t get out much.
The thing is, my wife and I used to get out. We used to be hip, discerning, knowledgeable movie buffs. Then we started to get old. We figured it wasn’t worth the hassle of taking out a short-term bank loan so we could drive to a movie theater, and buy our tickets and the standard Buick-sized tub of popcorn, topped off with a healthy dose of some mysterious butter-like substance that came out of a large pump. So we stopped going to movies.
But we didn’t stop watching movies. What we opted to do is what many folks our age opt to do: We started renting movies and watching them in the comfort of our own home. This method of movie viewing worked for a while, until something happened that sort of got in the way of our movie watching.
We had a child.
Oh sure, like a lot of new parents, my wife and I tried to convince ourselves that having a child would in no way get in the way of our love of movies.
“We will always be able to make time for movies,” my wife and I told ourselves.
Of course, like a lot of new parents, my wife and I were — to use a sociological term — morons.
We quickly discovered that having a child got completely in the way of our love of movies. Well, that’s not exactly true either. My wife and I still love movies; we’re just too tired to watch them. And it’s not as if we don’t still go to movies; we do. We just don’t go to movies that wind up being talked about on Oscar night. In the past few years, my wife and I have seen every movie starring Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan (before she went nuts). We have seen movies about blondes. We have seen movies about princesses. We have seen animated movies about fish, penguins, giant ogres, superheroes, monsters and bugs. We have seen every movie with the word “Disney” in the title.
We have not seen many movies about adults. We have not seen many movies about politics. We have not seen many movies about psychopaths. Well, that’s not true. I did see that documentary about Fox News. Ha.
Even if we did manage to see a movie that was mentioned on Oscar night, we would wind up being disappointed. For example, a couple of years ago, my wife and I rented the movie “Sideways.” We heard it was funny. We heard it was nominated for an Oscar. I guess we heard wrong. I mean, it was nominated for an Oscar, but my wife and I had a hard time figuring out why.
So for the past few years, my wife and I would sit down in front of our TV on Oscar night and watch the program, secure in the knowledge that we knew nothing about any of the films that would be mentioned. It was sort of liberating, in a way.
But this year was different. This year, not only had my wife and I not heard of most of the movies being talked about on Oscar night, we had not heard of most of the people who were talking about the movies. Sure, we knew who Jon Stewart was, and most of the actors and actresses over the age of 50. But beyond that, we were pretty much clueless. Well, we did recognize the actress from the “Princess Diaries” movies. Oh, and Miley Ray Cyrus. But that was about it.
Sunday night, while we watched the Oscars, my wife and I talked about the fact that we were movie morons. We decided that we needed to expand our movie-watching habits. We decided that we would dedicate ourselves to renting — and watching — all the movies that were nominated for best picture this year. And we will.
As soon as we find out what those movies are. See, we went to bed before they actually got to the best-picture award.
Did I mention we’re tired?
