By Mike Pound
Globe columnist
mpound@joplinglobe.com
I’ll admit, at first I was sort of angry when I heard the news.
I mean, who wouldn’t be? Well, I guess those bleeding-heart liberals out there might not be so upset with the news, I figured, but what do you expect from a bunch of libs? Of course they wouldn’t have a problem with our so-called government loaning a bunch of money to a family of bears. And not just any family of bears. No, our government, I thought, was loaning money to a rich family of bears. A family of bears with its own TV show and its own line of best-selling books.
Look, I said, when I first heard the news, I don’t have anything against the Berenstain Bears. I’m sure they’re nice people. Pappa and Mama Bear seem like great bear parents and they have done a great job raising Sister and Brother Bear. But still, I thought, when I first heard the news, it’s not the government’s job to bail out a family of bears just because they find themselves in a little financial crunch. So what if Papa Bear might have gotten hooked on Mexican honey, or maybe Brother Bear got sick and saddled the family with expensive medical bills. That’s their problem.
The fact of the matter is, this is America and in America we (unless you’re a lousy liberal) don’t believe in handouts. Hard work is what it takes to make it in this country. And if you’re expecting your government to bail you out, then you better move to Sweden, Bub.
That’s right, I said “Bub.”
But then I discovered that our government wasn’t loaning a bunch of money to bail out the Berenstain Bears. It turns out our government was loaning a bunch of money to bail out Bear Stearns. See, Bear Stearns is not a family of ne’er-do-well bears begging for a handout like Yogi begging for a picnic basket. No, Bear Stearns is a group of big-time Wall Street investment bankers ... begging for a handout.
That’s a different jar of honey entirely.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s OK for the government to loan a bunch of money to help bail out a bunch of big-time Wall Street investment bankers. I mean, let’s face it, big-time Wall Street investment bankers are our kind of people. If you know what I’m saying. And I think you do.
Our government needs to be bailing out big-time Wall Street investment bankers. Without big-time Wall Street investment bankers, we could easily lose control of our economy. If we didn’t have big-time Wall Street investment bankers out there, then folks would just start loaning money right and left without any real plan or assurance that the folks borrowing the money would be able to pay it back. Without big-time Wall Street investment bankers, the economy would be teetering on disaster. And then the government would be forced to step in and bail them out ... wait a minute. Maybe I’m not doing a very good job of explaining this.
Look at it this way: Say George, one of the head guys at Bear Stearns, gave all the company’s money to Uncle Billy, who was supposed to deposit the money in the Bear Stearns bank account. But you know Uncle Billy. He got distracted and dropped the envelope with the money on the floor of the bank and Old Man Potter picked it up, and later the bank examiners showed up and all heck broke loose.
That is until the government stepped in and loaned some other big-time Wall Street investment bankers a Hudson River-sized stash of cash to buy Bear Stearns. And everyone stood around Wall Street watching big-time Wall Street investment bankers throwing money into a big basket singing “Auld Lang Syne.”
See, it wasn’t a loan so much as it was folks chipping in to help some friends in need. Of course, in this case, the folks chipping in are taxpayers and the friends they are helping out make, on average, 400 times more than the taxpayers who are bailing them out do. But, hey, that’s business.
I can hear those loser liberals already whining about the government bailing out a bunch of yacht owning, country-club belonging, silk-suit wearing big-time Wall Street investment bankers but not helping out cash-strapped working class folks who are in danger of losing their homes. Well, all I can say to you libs is to quit your whining. If you want to get bailed out by the government, all you have to do is go to Wall Street, make a series of colossal financial blunders and take the economy to the brink of ruin.
Then, and only then, will you be worthy of being bailed out by our government. And if you don’t like it, you and the Berenstain Bears can all can move to Sweden.
Bub.
