By Mike Pound
Globe columnist
mpound@joplinglobe.com
I may have struck it rich and for that I thank the Mattel toy company.
See, I heard that the folks over at Mattel just won some sort of lawsuit against MGA Entertainment. This is big news.
See, the folks at Mattel make Barbie dolls and the folks at MGA make Bratz dolls. Now, whenever the folks at Mattel and the folks at MGA do anything it is big news to anyone who is the parent of a female-type person.
You know how big the story about Anheuser-Busch being sold was to guys ... well, to guys like me? Well, news stories about Mattel and MGA are just as big to parents of female-type persons.
Apparently, and this is only based on what I heard on NPR Friday morning on the drive to work, what happened is the Mattel folks sued the MGA folks. The Mattel folks claimed that somebody at MGA stole the idea for the Bratz dolls from them and apparently a judge agreed.
Personally, I’m not sure I would want many people to know that I came up with the idea for Bratz dolls. Mainly because, as far as I’m concerned, Bratz dolls are the oddest looking things I’ve ever seen. They have weird heads, weird hair and no feet. Seriously, if you take off a Bratz doll’s shoe all you’ll find is a nub which, to me, was always sort of unsettling.
But, aesthetics aside, Bratz dolls are worth big money to MGA. Apparently young girls, of a certain age, love Bratz dolls. And when Emma was of a certain age she loved them too. Now, of course, Emma thinks Bratz dolls are “kind of creepy.” But that’s now. “Every one. Really, really, really, I do need every one. Can I have them please, please, please, please?” is how Emma put it when she was of a certain age.
My wife and I are stern, sensible parents so we did not get Emma every Bratz doll. We got her most of them, but not every one of them. We also got Emma Bratz-doll accessories. Lots of them. I remember spending the better part of Christmas Day through New Year’s Eve trying to put together a Bratz doll limo that Emma got one Christmas.
Emma also used to like Barbie dolls at the same certain age. So at the same time she was getting just about every Bratz doll, she was also getting just about every Barbie doll and every Barbie-doll accessory. I once had to hire a team of engineers from MIT to come and help me put together the Barbie doll rock-star stage. After a week they gave up and went back to Boston.
I’m only mentioning this because on NPR they said that Mattel could win a lot of money from MGA. The NPR people said MGA may have to turn over all the Bratz-doll royalties to Mattel. When I heard the NPR people say that, one thought ran through my head. That one thought was: KA-CHING!!!
See, the way I figure it, as a loyal purchaser of roughly 294 Barbies and 394 Bratz dolls, I deserve a piece of that royalty action.
Strictly from a straight-up monetary standpoint, I think Mattel owes me plenty. I put my expenses at $4.9 million.
And I think that’s a conservative estimate.
Now, I also think I have some money coming to me for emotional pain and suffering. Has anyone ever tried to open a package containing either a Barbie or Bratz doll? If you haven’t, imagine you are a Democratic member of Congress trying to open a White House e-mail. That’s how tough it is to open a Barbie- or Bratz-doll package. And that’s not even counting the pain and suffering associated with trying to open the little accessories that come with the dolls. Do you know how small a Bratz doll hair brush is? It’s so small that some Bratz dolls come with microscopes. That’s how small one is.
So if you factor in my straight-up, out-of-pocket expensive and add compensation for my emotional pain and suffering, I figure — again, conservatively — that Mattel and MGA owe me roughly $29.8 million.
I would be willing to accept half if the Mattel folks promise not to wrap the money.
