By Mike Pound
Globe columnist
mpound@joplinglobe.com
This is one of those days that hard hitting, experienced, anything-for-a-story reporters like me live for.
It’s one of those days spent nervously scanning the news wires for information, one of those days when we’re all desperate to get the low-down, the skinny, the scoop, the gist, so we can do our duty for you, the reader, and report on something that will have a deep and profound impact on not only your lives but the lives of your children and their children and perhaps their children.
I’m talking, of course, about Bigfoot.
As I write this, the Bigfoot news conference is about to get under way. I don’t think I’m overstating things here when I say that the Bigfoot news conference is quite possibly the biggest story since Paris Hilton went to jail and almost as big as Martha Stewart going to jail.
What?
I said “almost” as big as Martha Stewart going to jail.
In case you’ve been wasting your time paying attention to so-called “news” stories about Russia invading Georgia (no, not that Georgia) or that whole presidential race deal and haven’t heard, two guys from Georgia (yes, that Georgia) claim they found Bigfoot. Or as he is also known, “Rush.”
Ha, that’s a Rush joke.
Bigfoot is also known as Sasquatch but he hates to be called that because all the other Bigfoots (Bigfeet) tease him. They call him names such as “Sassy” or “Sasfat.” That last one really hurts because Bigfoot has always been sensitive about his weight. In fact, Bigfoot has often been overheard asking people if his fur makes his “butt look big.”
According to The Associated Press, the Bigfoot news conference was called by two men — Matt Whitton and Rick Dyer — from Georgia (yes, that Georgia). Matt and Rick, who I’m guessing also answer to “Bubba” and “Cooter,” claim they found Bigfoot in the woods of northern Georgia, which is sort of strange because most previous Bigfoot sightings have been in the Pacific Northwest. When asked to explain what Bigfoot was doing in the mountains of Georgia, Bubba and Cooter reportedly said he “was on holiday.”
So far, according to the AP story, Bubba and Cooter have offered three stories about how they “found” Bigfoot.
Story No. 1: He was shot by a former felon and Bubba and Cooter followed it into the woods.
Story No. B: They found a whole “family of Bigfoot (Bigfeet?)” in the woods.
Story No. 3: Bubba and Cooter were hiking and found Bigfoot’s corpse in the woods.
Regardless of how Bubba and Cooter found Bigfoot, the good news is that when they did, they immediately secured the area and contacted the proper authorities so such an important scientific discovery could be properly documented.
If you believe that, then you don’t know Bubba and Cooter. Nope, what Bubba and Cooter did was to take Bigfoot’s body home and put it in a freezer. But they couldn’t put Bigfoot directly in the freezer. First they had to take out the Loch Ness Monster they found last week while they were gigging for frogs.
Ha, again I joke.
No, Bubba and Cooter first had to take out all the food that was in the freezer before they could put Bigfoot inside, and because Bigfoot is — follow me here — big, they had to fold him over to get him in the ice box. But, before they did that Bubba and Cooter posed for pictures with Bigfoot. Well, that may not be true, but they did take some pictures of the big guy. You know, to show the guys down at the lodge.
Unfortunately for Bubba and Cooter, some Bigfoot experts aren’t exactly jumping on their bandwagon, according to the AP story. Jeffrey Meldrum, a Bigfoot researcher (yes, there are some) and an Idaho State University professor told the Scientific American that Bubba and Cooter’s Bigfoot picture looks like “a costume with some fake guts thrown on top for effect.”
OK, so it’s possible that Bubba and Cooter didn’t find Bigfoot. But you have to admit, finding a costume with some fake guts thrown on top for effect is pretty cool. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I must stop and watch the Bigfoot news conference.
Wait a minute, looks like the Bigfoot news conference will have to wait. Apparently Russia has just invaded Georgia (yes, that Georgia).
