The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

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August 30, 2008

Mike Pound: (Your name here) column available, for a price

By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

If nothing else, the folks who run the Kansas City Chiefs are an optimistic bunch.

I’m not talking about that whole “rebuilding” thing they’re trying to do on the field. That has the makings of a real-life disaster. Nope, I’m talking about recently announced plans to find someone to pony up $5.5 million a year for the right to slap his name on Arrowhead Stadium.

See, I think that’s a stroke of genius. All the Chiefs have to do is find someone stupid ... er, I mean savvy ... enough to see the wisdom of dumping a ton of whip-out for the right to put his name on a stadium that everyone is still going to call Arrowhead Stadium. In fact, the deal calls for whoever is crazy .. er, I mean wise ... enough to drop 5.5 million clams to rename the stadium to keep the word “Arrowhead” in the title.

That means if Bill Gates wanted to rename the stadium he would have to call it “Windows 2008 Arrowhead Stadium,” which doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Oh, and whoever plunks down 5.5 million big ones to put his name on the stadium will also have to come up with $800,000 a year to put his name on the Chiefs’ practice site.

That’s right, $800,000 a year. For a practice field. And not just any practice field. The Chiefs’ practice field.

No offense Chiefs, but your practice site isn’t exactly Lambeau Field, so I don’t exactly see how paying $800,000 a year to put your name on it would be a wise investment. But I could be wrong. The Chiefs think I’m wrong. Some guy named Bill Newman, who is either the team’s back-up long snapper or a senior vice president, was quoted in the Kansas City Star (Motto: “Sorry, you live too far way for us to deliver you a paper.”) saying that dropping nearly one million bucks to put your name on a practice field would be a smart move even though the general public is seldom allowed to see it.

“The (media) sees it,” Newman said. “With the exception of game day, every sound bite that comes out of here is going to come out of that practice facility.”

Well OK then. You got me. To whom do I make out my check?

Look, I’ve been a Chiefs fan for most of my life. I love the Chiefs. I have since Len Dawson was throwing touchdown passes to Otis Taylor. When I was 12, my two younger brothers and I had our picture taken with Mr. Dawson. He was nice. But I didn’t pay $5.5 million for the picture.

Now, even though I’m not optimistic that the Chiefs will find someone dumb ... er, I mean far-sighted ... enough to cough up a $5.5 million fur ball to put his name on the stadium and another $800,000 to rename a practice field, I wish the Chiefs luck. It’s nice to see an NFL team getting a shot to make some money. It’s got to be tough owning an NFL team these days. What with the low ticket prices, free parking and cheap beer prices.

As a matter of fact, the Chiefs have given me an idea. I have decided to entertain offers to rename this column. I don’t want to tip my hand too early by putting a price tag on the naming rights to my column, but I think $45 million a year would be a good starting point.

Why $45 million you ask?

Because I thought asking for a 12-pack and a bag of cheese doodles would make me look cheap.

Think about it. For a mere $45 million (or a 12-pack and a bag of cheese doodles) your name could be used in the following ways:

“Did you read the moron’s (your name here) column?”

“That was, without a doubt the dumbest (your name here) column I have ever read.”

“I hope they didn’t pay him to write that (your name here) column.”

I’m telling you, it would be a marketing gold mine.

So if you’ve got $45 million burning a hole in your pocket (or a 12-pack and a bag of cheese doodles), give me a call. Even if you don’t have a spare $45 million (or a 12-pack and a bag of cheese doodles), give me a call.

I am willing to negotiate.

And for $800,000 (or a six-pack and one cheese doodle) I’ll let you rename my computer.

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