The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

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September 11, 2008

Mike Pound: Sex, drugs and big-time oil companies: Who knew?

By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

I’m shocked, I tell you. Shocked.

The idea that big-time oil companies would attempt to bribe government employees with money, parties, free trips, sex and drugs is shocking. It’s beyond shocking, really. I would think that the big-time oil companies would have been able to bribe government employees with money alone. Who knew that our government employees had too much pride, too much integrity, to be bribed with just money?

“I’m sorry. I’m not that kind of government employee. If you want to bribe me, you better come up with something more than just a pile of cash.”

“How about a pile of cocaine?”

“Now you’re talking.”

I’m referring, of course, to an investigation by the Interior Department that found that members of the agency that issues offshore drilling leases and collects royalties from big-time oil companies had sex with, used drugs with, and accepted gifts, ski trips and golf outings from representatives of big-time oil companies. The same big-time oil companies that received drilling leases from and paid royalties to the government employees.

According to an Associated Press story, Interior Department Inspector General Earl E. Devaney said the investigation found a “culture of ethical failure.”

Apparently, Earl enjoys the use of understatement.

According to the investigation, most of the sex having, drug doing, gift-, ski-trip and golf-outing accepting occurred in the Minerals Management Service’s royalty collection office in Denver, Colo., where it was reported that 19 government workers — nearly a third of the staff — accepted gifts from the big-time oil companies.

When I read that, I’m pretty sure I had the same thought you had: Really, only a third? What’s wrong with the rest of the people in the office?

The report said the government employees in the office “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana and had sexual relationships with oil and natural gas company representatives who referred to some of the government workers as the ‘MMS chicks.’”

In a related story, the Interior Department reported that it received 2,348 calls from people asking about job opportunities. The department said it received 23 calls from Bill Clinton. Ha.

No, the Interior Department said it was taking the report “extremely seriously” and that anyone involved in the sex having, drug doing, gift-, ski-trip and golf-outing accepting would be “given a stern talking to.”

The AP quotes some guy named Dirk Kempthorne, who claims to be the interior secretary, as being “outraged by the immoral behavior, illegal activities and appalling misconduct.” In response to further questions from reporters, the interior secretary also confirmed that his name really is Dirk Kempthorne, but that he prefers to be called “The Dirkster.”

Of course, our Congress creatures also were shocked by the news that the big-time oil companies were bribing government employees. One Congress creature who declined to give his or her name told the AP that he or she was “shocked to hear that the big-time oil companies have been bribing government employees. We must get the bribes out of our government offices and get them back in our congressional offices where they belong.”

The one thing I was sort of glad to see is that the royalty-office workers had sex with folks from the big-time oil companies. In a way, it sort of validates what I’ve been saying for years.

We now have proof that the big-time oil companies have been doing the same thing to the government that they’ve been doing to us.

For more information on the investigation, you can call the Interior Department.

Ask for “The Dirkster.”

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