By Mike Pound
Globe columnist
mpound@joplinglobe.com
I’m not saying times are tough right now, but I’m expecting my next 401(k) statement to come postage due.
I don’t know much about my 401(k), other than the fact that somebody takes money out of my paycheck, sends it to somebody else who “invests” my money with someone else’s money, and every few months someone sends me a letter telling me how my money is doing. It’s sort of like adopting one of those kids that Sally Struthers used to talk about on TV.
For years, the folks who write me letters about my money had nothing but good things to report. My money was not only doing fine, it was doing great, they told me. My money, through some mysterious formula, was growing. My money was happy. And as the saying goes, if your money’s happy, you’re happy.
Actually I’m not sure that’s a saying, but it ought to be.
Even though I didn’t know much about my 401(k), I knew I was doing the right thing by allowing someone to take my money and “invest” it. The reason I knew I was doing the right thing is because everyone told me I was doing the right thing and I guess they were right. See, if I didn’t let someone take my money and “invest,” I probably would have used my money to buy more beer. Or I might have even wasted my money. But I didn’t. I let the 401(k) people have my money.
But a few months ago, when I opened my letter from the 401(k) people, I could sense something was different. Instead of telling me how happy my money was, the 401(k) people told me that sometimes money can get sad. They told me that sometimes money can get sick. They told me that sometimes money can ... gasp! ... disappear. But the 401(k) people told me not to worry. They told me it was natural for money to get sad, to get sick and, yes, even to disappear. They told me it was the cycle of money.
I wondered why the 401(k) people were telling me about the cycle of money. Then I looked at the part of the 401(k) letter that tells me how my money is doing and discovered that some of my money had ... gasp! ... disappeared.
“How could this be?” I asked myself.
“How would I know? I’m a moron,” I answered myself.
I was confused, so I did what I always do when I’m confused. I had a beer. Ha, that’s a joke. I have a beer even when I’m not confused. No, what I did was ask some folks who knew something about 401(k)s. They told me that my 401(k) was somehow tied into something called the financial market.
As I understand it, the financial market is a place where people take other people’s money and essentially play poker with it. If the people who are playing poker with your money are good at playing poker, you’re in luck. If the people who are playing poker with your money are not so good, you are screwed. Evidently, the people who have been playing poker with my money aren’t so good. Poker-playing dogs are better poker players than the people playing with my money.
Now, this week, I heard that the people playing poker with my money really had a tough run of luck. This week, something called the stock market — which is part of the financial market — dropped more points than the Kansas City Chiefs’ defense. Every time I turned on the TV news channels this week I saw serious looking people looking directly into the camera saying things like “depression,” “crisis,” “disaster” and “FUMBLE!!!” Well, I heard that last one on ESPN.
My point is, if the people playing with my money managed to make “some” of my money disappear a few months ago, I’m wondering how much of my money disappeared this week. My guess is: a lot.
Fortunately, George Bush has a plan to help my 401(k). His plan, basically, is to take tax money and give it to the people who have been playing poker with my money. So — and again, remember that I’m a moron — what it sounds like is George Bush is taking my money that I sent him last April and giving it to the people who lost my money playing poker.
I need a beer.
