The Kansas City Chiefs almost got me in trouble.
Because the Chiefs seem to — to use a sports term — suck this year, I was not expecting them to actually show up for their game Sunday against the Denver Broncos, who were undefeated (which, by the way, in sports is the exact opposite of sucking). Seriously, I did not expect the Chiefs to show up for the game.
Announcer No. 1: For the first time in the history of the NFL, the Kansas City Chiefs have refused to show up for today’s game.
Announcer No. 2: It’s a smart move by Chiefs coach Herm Edwards.
But as you probably know by now, not only did the Chiefs show up for their game Sunday, they actually won.
I know. I was just as shocked as you were.
For me, as I watched the game early Sunday afternoon, the good news was that the Chiefs were playing well and actually seemed to have a chance to earn their first win since (I think) 1968. The bad news was that on Saturday afternoon, I had promised my wife that I would help her move a table from our house in Carthage to her office in Joplin. The extra bad news for me early Sunday afternoon was that on Saturday, when my wife asked me if I wanted to schedule the move around the Kansas City Chiefs’ game, I said, “Nah, don’t worry about that. The Chiefs won’t even show up for the game.”
When the game started Sunday afternoon, my wife left our house to run a few errands but promised to return “in a few minutes so we can take the table to Joplin.” I figured I had an hour to watch the Chiefs’ game, and by then, I figured, the Chiefs would be roughly 495 points behind, so I wouldn’t mind leaving the game to help her move a table to Joplin.
If you’re wondering why, when my wife said she would return to our house “in a few minutes,” I figured I had about an hour to watch the game, you must not be a veteran husband. Most veteran husbands will tell you that when a veteran wife says she will return “in a few minutes,” she means she will return — at minimum — in an hour. It’s much like the way a veteran husband knows that when a veteran wife says a project will “take only five minutes,” he needs to block out an entire day.
So on Sunday, I sat on our porch watching the game, waiting for the Chiefs to suck. The only problem was that the Chiefs didn’t suck — the Broncos did.
I mean this with all due respect to the great Rod Smith, but I don’t like the Broncos. I don’t like the Broncos mainly because I’m a Kansas City Chiefs fan, and it’s an unwritten law that Chiefs fans cannot like the Broncos. Much like it’s an written rule that all Chiefs fans believe that Al Davis, the owner of the Oakland Raiders, is the Antichrist.
So I was very happy Sunday to see the Broncos and not the Chiefs sucking. Until I remembered my promise to my wife. When I remembered my promise to my wife, a few thoughts went through my head.
Thought No. 1: I am screwed.
Thought No. B: I could always tell my wife I changed my mind about moving the table.
Thought No. 3: No I couldn’t.
Thought No. 1, sub part B: I am screwed.
There is a reason why veteran husbands don’t like to promise things to their wives. They know that if they promise their wives they will do something, they will have to do it. That’s why veteran husbands say “We’ll see” a lot.
Wife: Honey, do you think you could mow the yard tomorrow?
Husband: We’ll see.
Next day:
Wife: I thought you said you were going to mow the yard.
Husband: I said, “We’ll see.”
Wife: And?
Husband: We don’t see.
But I didn’t say “We’ll see” when my wife asked me to move the table to Joplin. I promised to move the table to Joplin.
When my wife came home an hour after she left, it was halftime, and the Chiefs were ahead. I sadly turned off the TV and walked outside to load the table in my brother-in-law’s truck. As my wife and I loaded the table into the truck, my wife said, “Guess what?”
I didn’t want to guess so I said, “What?”
“You don’t have to go to Joplin,” my wife said. “Elisa and Victor are at my office working, and they said they would help unload the table.”
I looked at my wife for a second, and then (and I do sort of feel bad about this) I said, “Gee, are you sure? I mean, I would be glad to go. After all, I did promise.”
My wife said she was sure, and then she said something else. I wish I could tell you what else my wife said, but I can’t because while she was saying whatever it was she was saying, I was already back on our porch watching the game.
I promise.
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