The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

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October 3, 2008

Mike Pound: Daddy Warbucks will save the day, yubetchya!

By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

Our Congress creatures finally passed the bailout package and that’s a good thing.

Or maybe it’s a bad thing, I don’t really know for sure. All I know is that George Bush earlier said that our House creatures had to pass the bailout bill and our House creatures said, “Uh, excuse me, but who are you?” and decided that they didn’t want to pass the bailout package.

One reason many of our House creatures said they didn’t want to pass the bailout package was because they thought it was too expensive and they weren’t sure it would actually help the economy. Many of them said the economy would be just fine if they just left it alone. So they didn’t pass the bailout package. Then the stock market dropped almost 800 points, prompting some House creatures to say, “*&^$”

That caused the folks in the Senate to take their own look at the bailout package. What the folks in the Senate did was take the House creatures’ bailout package and add a bunch of tax breaks that really had nothing to do with the current financial crisis, thereby making the bailout even more expensive and sent it back to our House creatures who said, “I cannot in good conscience vote for this because now it’s even more expensive and has less to do with fixing the economy than before.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, sometimes I kill myself.

Nope, what our House creatures did when they got the bailout bill from the Senate that was now more expensive than the first bailout package was say, “Looks good to me,” and passed the thing.

The bill, officially known as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, essentially gives some guy who looks like Daddy Warbucks a big wad of cash to walk around Wall Street looking for bargains. Specifically, what Daddy Warbucks is supposed to do is buy bad deals from the Wall Street morons who bought the bad deals in the first place. Daddy Warbucks wants to buy the bad deals from the Wall Street morons so they don’t lose their yachts. Then he will hang on to the bad deals that he bought until they become good deals, a process that is estimated to take 250 years.

George Bush spent the past couple of weeks telling everyone that Congress needed to pass the bailout deal to keep the economy from “recessionizing.” Sens. John McCain, Barack Obama and Joe Biden also urged our Congress creatures to pass the bill while Sarah Palin was quoted as saying something that sounded like, “Yubetchya.”

Speaking of Sarah, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, but during the debate didn’t she remind you of a college kid trying to fake her way through a final exam? I’m not saying I don’t like Sarah (but I’m not saying I do), I’m just saying she doesn’t seem like someone who worries about facts and stuff.

But back to the bailout. George Bush says the $700 billion bailout might not actually cost $700 billion. He says once the bad deals that Daddy Warbucks buys become good deals, the government will make money on the deal. Of course, he also said the Iraq war would pay for itself.

So there is that.

After the Congress creatures passed the bailout package, the folks on Wall Street all said how happy they were. The stock market showed how happy it was with the bailout package by promptly dropping 157 points, causing some Congress creatures to say, “*&^$.”

Many of the people who claim to know what they’re talking about say it will be at least six months before the economy starts to pick up again. But I don’t know.

What I do know is that now a bunch of folks on Wall Street will get to keep their yachts and the rest of us will be lucky to save our dinghies.

Yubetchya.

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