The great Bill Cosby, in a comedy routine many years ago, compared what women endure during childbirth to what men endure when they take a woman to a movie, put their arm around their date and keep it there for two solid hours.
It was a funny routine, and it always made me laugh, but I now have to take issue with Mr. Cosby. I now think that there is at least one thing worse than putting your arm around a date and keeping it there while watching a movie, and I don’t mean watching back-to-back Nancy Grace shows — although, come to think about it, that would be pretty bad.
No, when it comes to all the things men have had to endure over the years, I can think of nothing worse than having to watch that “Sex and the City” movie with your wife on a Friday night. The reason I can’t think of anything worse than having to watch that “Sex and the City” movie with your wife on a Friday night is because that’s what I had to do Friday night. But with my wife, not your wife.
For those of you who aren’t women, “Sex and the City” was a TV show about four women who live in New York City and whine a lot. The four women whine about a lot of things, but mostly, as far as I can tell, they whine about men. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I understand that many women who watch “Sex and the City” like the show. I understand that the reason most men don’t like, or understand, “Sex and the City” is because men are morons. And pigs. And clueless. And insensitive. And morons.
Did I say morons twice?
The way I see it, men aren’t supposed to like “Sex and the City” in much the same way that women aren’t supposed to like the Three Stooges, or the bean-eating scene in “Blazing Saddles.” But here’s the deal: I would never think of asking my wife to sit down and watch the Three Stooges or the bean-eating scene in “Blazing Saddles.” However, my wife thought it was perfectly acceptable for her to ask me to watch the “Sex and the City” movie. Our 10-year-old daughter, Emma, was at a friend’s house Friday night, so my wife thought it would be fun if we watched the movie together. That’s right, my wife actually said it would be “fun” if we watched the “Sex and the City” movie.
Wife: You know what would be fun?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Well, we’re not doing that. Now, you know what else would be fun?
Me: No.
Wife: If we watched the “Sex and the City” movie together.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Wife: (Stare.)
Me: Oh, you’re serious.
Yes, my wife was serious, and, as most veteran husbands know, if a veteran wife is serious about something, it’s a good idea to do whatever it is she is serious about. So I agreed to watch the “Sex and the City” movie.
A couple of thoughts about the movie:
Thought No. 1: I hated it.
Thought No. B: It was WAY long.
From what my wife told me, the “Sex and the City” movie pretty much takes up where the “Sex and the City” TV show ended: pretty much in mid-whine. The plot of the movie, much like that of the TV show, centers around that hot actress who is married to that short actor in real life. The hot actress is a writer, and she has the hots for some guy named “Big.” The hot actress and “Big” decide to get married. Then they don’t get married. The rest of the movie is pretty much devoted to constant whining by the hot actress and the other three actresses. And at the end of the movie, the hot actress, who is married to the short actor in real life, and “Big” get married.
It’s a typical “Big” meets girl/girl whines with her friends/girl gets married to “Big” story.
It’s the sort of movie that could be wrapped up in an hour and a half, tops. Unfortunately the “Sex and the City” movie didn’t wrap up in an hour and a half. Nope, it took two hours and 25 minutes for the hot actress and “Big” to get married.
Two hours and 25 minutes!
The Titanic sank in less time than that. Rhett told Scarlett he “didn’t give a damn” in less time than that. “The Longest Day” was shorter than the “Sex and the City” movie.
The good news is that I’ve done my veteran-husband duty. I will never again have to watch the “Sex and the City” movie. Unless they make a sequel, and they wouldn’t do that.
What? They are?
That does it. I’m making my wife watch “Blazing Saddles.”
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Mike Pound: Who likes 'Sex and the City'?
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