The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

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Discussion

November 21, 2008

Mike Pound: It’s time for Oprah to step up and save us

By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

I have a couple words for the guys in charge of Ford, General Motors and Chrysler: road trip.

As I understand it, some of our Congress Creatures — in a rare display of common sense — expressed a little bit of disappointment when they found out the three car guys flew on separate private jets to come to Washington to panhandle.

Essentially what they did was get off their luxury jets, ride limos to Capitol Hill to basically set up signs that read: “Will work for $25 billion.”

Some of our Congress Creatures questioned why they should consider handing the car guys $25 billion so they can continue riding around in private jets. It’s a good question. And one, judging by what I saw on TV, the car guys couldn’t answer. From what I saw on TV, it didn’t even occur to the car guys that someone would have a problem with them using private luxury jets instead of, say, flying coach.

See, that’s not good.

What the three car guys — let’s call them Larry, Moe and Curly — should have done is what any college kid who has ever skipped a class has done. They should have gone on a road trip. All Larry, Moe and Curly had to do was pick out a car — assuming they even knew where to find one — and drive from Detroit to Washington, D.C. Look, I know three guys who once drove from Emporia, Kan., to Daytona Beach in Florida in 16 hours. I’m thinking Larry, Moe and Curly should have been able to get from Detroit to Washington, D.C., quicker than that. But that’s just me.

I mean, if the guys in charge of Ford, GM and Chrysler would rather fly than drive American cars, then they’ve got more problems than $25 billion can solve.

I don’t know if it’s a good idea to bail out the automobile industry or not. On one side you’ve got folks saying that the car companies should fend for themselves. On the other side you’ve got people saying millions of jobs will be lost if we don’t bail the industry out. And you’ve got some folks saying that Barack Obama is the Antichrist which, of course, has nothing to do with the auto industry but some folks like to keep saying anyway.

Really, the whole bailout idea is a tough nut to crack, and I can see why some of our Congress Creatures aren’t sure what to do. That’s why it’s time for Barack Obama to pull out that major league ace he’s had stashed up his sleeve since the election: Oprah.

That’s right, Oprah.

Who better to bail out the auto industry than Oprah? And Oprah wouldn’t have to use tax dollars. Here’s all Oprah would have to do: buy roughly 250 million new cars — Lord knows she can afford them. Then, she should tell everyone in America to tune into her show (like they don’t already) and during one of the shows look into the camera and say, “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” Then she could stand back while everyone in the entire country stands up and screams for a while. Well, everyone but Joe Lieberman.

Think about it. Larry, Moe and Curly get to sell a bunch of cars. We all get new cars (except you, Joe) and Oprah gets the highest-rated TV show in the history of TV shows. It is your basic win-win-win situation.

Once the auto industry is taken care of, Oprah could turn her attention to the housing market. Again, this could be solved in one show. Oprah stands up, looks into the camera and says, “YOU GET A HOUSE! YOU GET A HOUSE! YOU GET A HOUSE!”

And again, everyone’s happy.

Well, except Joe Lieberman.

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