By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

My wife told me a couple of weeks ago that we needed to go to Jefferson City (official motto: Don’t Even Think of Parking Here) to see our friend Ron Richard get sworn in as speaker of the House.

I told my wife that I didn’t want to go to Jefferson City to see our friend Ron Richard get sworn in as speaker of the House. I told my wife that I didn’t want to go to Jefferson City to see our friend Ron Richard get sworn in as speaker of the House for two reasons:

No. 1: Have you ever driven to Jefferson City? I rest my case.

No. B: I don’t know what a speaker of the House is.

I do know that the speaker of the House before Ron was a guy named Rod Jetton. The reason I know that is because Rod used to send me letters asking me to give him money, even though I didn’t know who he was or, as I think I’ve made clear, what a speaker of the House was. If Rod knew me, he would have known that I work for a newspaper and therefore have no money, and he also would have known that if I did have any money, I would most likely spend it on beer rather than give it to him.

Ron, on the other gavel, does know me, and he therefore knows that I have no money and that if I did have money, I would rather spend it on beer than give it to him. So, in that sense, I guess I’m glad that Ron is the new speaker of the House.

In order to get to Jefferson City by noon Wednesday to see Ron get sworn in, my wife, our 10-year-old daughter, Emma, and I left our house last week.

It takes a long time to get to Jefferson City, is what I’m saying.

Once we got to Jefferson City, we started looking for a place to park. This took almost as long as it took for us to drive to Jefferson City. Apparently, there are roughly 458,938 state employees who work in Jefferson City, and there are approximately 12 parking spaces. In fact, many people we know who go to Jefferson City on a regular basis park in Lebanon and then walk to Jefferson City. It’s quicker.

After we found a place to park, we walked the roughly 27 miles to the Capitol building where Ron works. The Capitol building is where people gather to, from what I could tell, make speeches and give each other standing ovations. The reason I think that’s what people do there is because that’s pretty much all they did during the eight hours it took for them to swear Ron in as speaker of the House.

The reason it took so long to swear Ron in is because every five minutes or so, somebody would stand up and make a speech that was interrupted at least 39 times by standing ovations. This may or may not be true, but when people order lunch in the Capitol building, there has to be a minimum of 47 speeches and 49 standing ovations.

When the folks in the swearing-in room finally stopped making speeches and giving each other standing ovations, they got around to officially naming Ron the speaker of the House, which, of course, meant that Ron had to make a speech that was interrupted by 123 standing ovations. To his credit, at one point during his speech, he tried to get the people in the swearing-in room to stop giving him standing ovations. Ron said that if they didn’t stop giving him standing ovations, the swearing in would take all day. I think that’s the sort of common sense that got Ron elected as speaker of the House.

By the way, the first time I remember meeting Ron was more than 20 years ago, when he was a member of the Joplin Planning and Zoning Commission and I was working for a local TV station. If you have never attended a Planning and Zoning Commission meeting, I need to point out that it’s pretty much like watching paint dry, only without the built-in drama.

Anyway, at one meeting the commission was naming a street in a new subdivision. The street name in question was Poplar, and one of the commission members said, “What’s a poplar?” Before anyone could answer, Ron said, loudly, “It’s a tree, nursery breath,” which made me laugh.

It was the only time I have laughed in a Planning and Zoning Commission meeting. So I’m thinking if Ron can make me laugh in a Planning and Zoning Commission meeting, he will probably make a pretty good speaker of the House (whatever that is), and I want to wish him all the luck in his new job.

I also want to remind Ron that I don’t have any money, and even if I did, I am not going to give it to him — unless, of course, he can validate my parking ticket.