The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

April 21, 2013

Mike Pound: Throwing stones has its comeuppance

By Mike Pound
Globe Staff Writer

JOPLIN, Mo. — Well, that’ll learn me.

Earlier this past week, I wrote a column criticizing a media outlet for making a mistake and then, a few days later, I wrote a column in which I made not one, but two mistakes.

In that second column I mentioned a gentleman by the name of Jay Humphreys and another gentleman by the name of Jim Haas. Which would have been fine had their names actually been Jay and Jim. However, “Jay” Humphreys’ name is actually David and “Jim” Haas’ name is actually Bill.

Making things worse is that I knew their names were David and Bill. In fact, next to my computer in my office is a sheet of paper on which I had scribbled the names “David” and “Bill.”

Making things even worse is the fact that I know David Humphreys personally.

I don’t want to make excuses here, but I do have a pretty good reason for screwing the names up: I’m not a very smart person.

It’s true.

If you asked my wife, she would be happy to tell you what a moron I am. I know this because my wife is always happy to tell me that I’m a moron. I bet a day doesn’t go by that my wife doesn’t call me a moron at least twice.

If you asked my wife, she would tell you that I’m lucky to find my way to work in the morning.

And I work at home.

Really, for a man of my limited intelligence, the fact that I’m able to write five columns a week is pretty impressive. I’m sure most of my schoolteachers would find the fact that I could write my name five times a week pretty impressive.

There is also a certain amount of karma involved with making a mistake shortly after calling someone else out for making a mistake. It’s why someone criticizing someone else for making spelling errors winds up making a spelling error of their own.

It’s that whole glass houses and throwing stones deal.

I should point out that neither David nor Bill called me out on screwing up their names. I’m guessing that David and Bill figured I would probably screw up their names a second time if I tried to correct myself. But as far as I know, I haven’t done that. As far as I know, David and Bill are their names.

Speaking of names and me being a moron, I screwed up my own name on my high school diploma.

I don’t tell many people this but my legal name is “Skunk-eye Johnson.” Ha! That’s just a joke. No, my real legal name is Donald Michael Pound. But since my dad’s name is Don, my parents opted to call me Mike rather than Don or Donald. I’m guessing my dad knew early on that I had been shortchanged in the brain department and said, “I don’t want him using MY name.”

So, anyway, as a kid I sort of forgot that my real first name was Donald and somehow, during my senior year of high school, when filling out the diploma form, I wrote Michael Donald Pound instead of Donald Michael Pound.

My parents were so proud.

I’m sure some of you who don’t know me are thinking “Ha, Mike that’s funny. But I know you didn’t really do that.” While others of you who do know me are thinking “Yeah, I can see that.”

Those of you who know me are correct. I actually did that, and if I had a clue where my high school diploma was, I would show it to you and prove that what I’m saying is true.

By the way, many people ask me if I make up some of the things I write about my family or if they really happen. The answer is that they actually happen. You have to be smart to make things up and, as I think has been established, I am not smart.

In conclusion, David and Bill, please accept my apologies for screwing up your names.

Sincerely, Michael Donald Pound.

Darn it. I did it again.