The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

January 12, 2013

Mike Pound: Wife’s new exercise edict is painful

JOPLIN, Mo. — My wife and I have decided that it’s time to start exercising again.

Well, my wife has decided that it’s time to exercise again while I, on the other pulled hamstring, am one of those guys who exercises all the time. And when I say “exercises all the time,” I mean “when I can.” And when I say “when I can,” I mean “hardly ever.”

However, even though I haven’t exactly kept up a steady exercise regime lately, I have been exercising more often than my wife. The last time I remember my wife actually exercising, Bill Clinton was still trying to figure out the best ways to sneak out of the White House at night.

The problem with exercise, as I see it, is that it makes you tired. And sore. There are a lot of things that I don’t like to feel, and tired and sore are two of them. I’ve heard people tell me if you feel tired and sore after exercising, that means your exercise did you some good. I tell those people that making me feel tired and sore is not something good.

To help us stick to an exercise routine, my wife and I joined the local YMCA. My theory is, if we’re paying money to exercise, we might as well exercise. I admit paying money to feel tired and sore is sort of counterintuitive, but so far it’s working.

By the way, I think that is the first time I have ever used the word “counterintuitive.” I’m not sure I will ever use it again.

The problem with joining the Y is that the first few times you go there to exercise, you look like a dope because you don’t know how to use some of the machines. My wife’s solution to the problem was to take the one-hour orientation that the folks at the Y offer.

However, because I am a male person (code word for “moron”) I decided I didn’t need to take the orientation.

“Hey, I played sports in high school,” I told my wife.

“Were you any good?” my wife asked.

“No, but that’s not the point,” I said.

“You’re a moron,” my wife said.

So, last Monday, I walked into the Y to exercise for the first time.

“Hey sport, good to see you again,” I said to a guy who clearly had never seen me before.

Then I walked into the exercise room where they keep all the workout equipment. I casually sat down at the first weight machine I saw. Not wanting the other people in the room to think that I didn’t know how to work the machine, I didn’t look at the little card that explained how to work it.

Instead, I moved the little steel peg that determines how much weight you want to lift to what I thought was a manly amount, and then I pushed on the bar in front of me.

Nothing happened.

Well, actually, the muscles in my stomach, such as they are, yelled, “HEY MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT HURTS!”

So I snuck a quick peak at the card and saw that I pushed the bar in front of me the wrong direction. So I pushed the bar the way the diagram on the card said to push it.

“STILL HURTS!” the muscles in my stomach shouted.

So, hoping that no one was watching, I moved the steel peg to a less manly weight and pushed on the bar.

“That’s better,” my stomach muscles said.

I spent about 45 minutes in the exercise room moving from weight machine to weight machine. At each machine, another group of muscles yelled at me.

“HEY, YOU THINK I LIKE THIS?” I wanted to shout back.

But I didn’t.

I mean, no one wants to look like a dope.

Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

Text Only
Local News
  • Eastern Shawnee Tribe cited for recycling efforts

    Leaders of the Eastern Shawnee Tribe will receive an award Friday from the Oklahoma Department of Environmental Quality for their participation in an areawide recycling event in May that secured more than 9,000 pounds of electronic equipment waste.

    July 9, 2014

  • Pittsburg Police Dept. gives Cherokee County Sheriff’s Dept. two patrol cars

    The Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office, which is feeling a budget pinch related to personnel costs for manning the impact zone of the Baxter Springs tornado, is getting some help from a neighboring police department.

    July 9, 2014

  • Mike Pound: The teenage version of the Terrible Twos

    I’ve been called outside three times by our 16-year-old daughter since I sat down to write a column.

    July 9, 2014

  • Webb City lawmaker tabbed to lead committee examining impact of military on Missouri

    State Rep. Charlie Davis, R-Webb City, has been selected to lead a committee that will gauge the U.S. military’s impact on Missouri. Davis said he wants to hear from veterans about their problems with the Veterans Health Administration as well as examine the impact of the military in the state as it steps back from a war footing and downsizes.

    July 9, 2014

  • r070914amendone2.jpg State farming amendment draws support, opposition

    Since the 1940s, the family of state Rep. Bill Reiboldt has owned and operated a farm on the outskirts of Neosho. Before he sold his milk cows, Reiboldt had eight people working on the farm. These days, it is just he and his son. Wednesday — with mild morning temperatures following the previous day’s rain — was the kind of day farmers like Reiboldt look forward to.

    July 9, 2014 2 Photos

  • Damaged Football.jpg Public art piece in Pittsburg vandalized

    Leslie Harris spent countless hours painting a butterfly and sunset on a fiberglass football that is one of 24 displayed in Pittsburg and Crawford County as part of the SEK Art Fest.

    July 8, 2014 1 Photo

  • JRC extends sale date on Coca-Cola property

    The Joplin Redevelopment Corp. on Tuesday approved an Aug. 8 sale date for property in the 1300 block of Virginia Avenue and included with the extension an amended agreement aimed at adding protections for Joplin in the pact with Wallace Bajjali Development Partners, the city’s tornado recovery master developer.

    July 8, 2014

  • Inmates bound over in jail sexual assault case

    A judge ordered two Newton County Jail inmates bound over for trial Tuesday on charges that they sexually assaulted a third inmate with a shampoo bottle and a tube of toothpaste.

    July 8, 2014

  • Defendant to be tried on charge of pulling knife on ER doctor

    A defendant accused of pulling a knife on a Freeman Hospital West emergency room doctor when she refused to prescribe him narcotics was ordered bound over for trial Tuesday in Newton County Circuit Court.

    July 8, 2014

  • Mike Pound: Crosslines at crossroads in current home

    The parking lot at Crosslines Churches of the Joplin Area, 131 S. High Ave., was almost full when I pulled in Tuesday morning. I found a spot in the back of the lot and met Harry Greninger near a side door. He led me through the kitchen, then into the main part of the building and finally into Kathy Lewis’ office.

    July 8, 2014

Must Read


Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon has vetoed legislation that sought to increase the tax credits available for donations to organizations providing food to the poor and aid to pregnant women, saying it would have eroded government funds needed for education and other services. Do you agree with the veto?

A. Yes.
B. No.
     View Results
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter