The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

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November 20, 2009

Mike Pound: People magazine might be out of luck

It’s like they never even got my application.

Year after year, I apply, and year after year, I get rejected. And this year, like always, the folks doing the rejecting didn’t even have the class to call me in person. I had to read about my rejection in the newspaper.

People magazine has announced that Johnny Depp has been named as the publication’s “Sexiest Man Alive” instead of me.

I know.

Apparently, the so-called “experts” at People magazine are under the impression that things like good looks, charm, charisma and muscles are more important than the ability to drink beer, eat cheese doodles, use a TV remote and write a newspaper column at the same time.

Actually, I think it’s the newspaper column part of my application to People magazine that has held me back in the past. According to the newspaper story I read, past winners of the “Sexist Man Alive” contest include folks like Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt and George Clooney. If you look at that list you can plainly see that the past winners all have one thing in common: They’re all actors.

The other thing all the previous “Sexist Man Alive” winners have in common is that they are all actors. I guess the People magazine folks think actors are sexier than newspaper columnists. Obviously the People magazine folks haven’t seen George Will in a Speedo.

And a bow tie.

As I type this I am sitting at a desk covered with random sheets of paper that I may or may not need. I’m wearing bluejeans, a Jimmy Buffett Hawaiian shirt and my hair is neatly combed to resemble a rabid wolverine. If that’s not sexy, someone is going to have to tell me what is.

They have all been on Oprah, which leads me to suspect that it’s Oprah who is holding me back.

I think if I could somehow convince Oprah to have me on her show I might make those People magazine folks sit up and take notice.

First People magazine person: Oooooh, everyone be quiet; it’s time for Oprah.

Second People magazine person: Look, today Oprah is talking to newspaper columnist Mike Pound.

First People magazine person: What’s a newspaper columnist?

Second People magazine person: Whatever it is, it’s sort of sexy. I wonder what he looks like eating cheese doodles.

Of course, Oprah just announced that she’s gong to quit doing her show sometime next year. So if I’m going to get on Oprah, I better get to work. I just have to figure out how to convince Oprah to let a newspaper columnist come on her show.

I could write a book that Oprah would like so she would invite me on her show to talk, but I don’t know about that. I don’t think Oprah and I like the same things. My wife likes Oprah, and I know for a fact that my wife and I don’t like the same things. For example, I like me. My wife does not.

The other way to get on Oprah would be to make her cry. Oprah apparently likes to cry. Every time I turn around, I see Oprah crying on TV, and if Oprah isn’t crying, someone on her show is crying. I think I could make Oprah cry. I make my wife cry all the time.

Me: I think I look like George Clooney. Don’t you?

Wife: Sob.

After I made Oprah cry, I could also jump up and down on her couch. Although, come to think about it, my wife doesn’t like it when I jump up and down on our couch at home, so maybe I should stick with making Oprah cry. Unless jumping up and down on her couch would make Oprah cry.

As you can see, I have some decisions to make.

So go ahead, People magazine. Swoon all over Johnny Depp if you want. But when the magic wears off and you’re looking for a beer-drinking, cheese-doodle-eating, remote-using newspaper columnist to comfort you, you just might be out of luck.

Oh, and Oprah, call me.

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