The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

July 13, 2013

Mike Pound: Why, you ask? Here’s why

JOPLIN, Mo. — All I wanted was some tomatoes and maybe some sweet corn.

My plan was simple. Leave our house at 10:30 a.m. Friday, get to the farmers market in Webb City a few minutes before 11 a.m., wait until the market officially opens, get my tomatoes and corn and be home before 11:30 a.m.

As plans go, mine was a pretty good one until disaster struck. And when I say “disaster,” I mean my wife.

“What are you doing this morning?” my wife said.

I’m a veteran husband, so I probably should have known that my best course of action would have been to lie when my wife asked me what I was doing.

I know that marriage experts will tell you that a strong relationship can’t be built on lies, but the funny thing about marriage experts is that they’re morons.

The other course of action would have been to answer my wife’s question with: “Why?”

Veteran husbands know that “why?” is a great stalling tactic.

Veteran wife: What are you doing?

Veteran husband: Why?

Veteran wife: I was just wondering.

Veteran husband: Wondering what?

Veteran wife: What you were doing?

Veteran husband: Why?

Veteran wife: Why what?

Veteran husband: Exactly.

As you can see, a conversation like that could go on forever or, at least until it’s too late to do whatever it was the veteran wife wanted her veteran husband to do.

But for some reason (I blame old age) Friday morning, I didn’t answer my wife’s question with a “why?” Instead, I told my wife that I was going to work on my column for a while, then I was going to the farmers market to pick up tomatoes and corn and planned to be back by 11:30 a.m so I could get some more work done.

“Oh, good. Emma (our 15-year-old daughter) and I can go with you,” my wife said. “And then we can have lunch.”

“That’s a great idea,” I said.

I said that with my outside voice. With my inside voice I said: “(BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD WORD.) WE’LL BE GONE FOREVER.”

After I agreed to take my wife and Emma with me to the farmers market, my wife remembered that she had a 10 a.m. appointment.

“But I’ll be home by 11 a.m., so we can still go the market,” my wife said.

“But I wanted to get there at 11 a.m.,” I said.

“We will,” my wife said.

When it comes to time and distance, my wife lives in some sort of fantasy world where teleporting is not only possible but common.

No matter how far my wife is from a destination, she is convinced it will only take her five minutes to get there.

“We’ll be at your house in five minutes,” my wife will tell her mom on the phone.

“But we’re in Kansas City,” I’ll say.

“Hush,” my wife will say.

So I hush.

At 11:30 a.m. Friday, my wife walked into our house.

“Ready?” my wife said.

“Ready? I wanted to be home by now,” I said.

“You are home,” my wife said.

When we got to the farmers market, it was almost noon and the parking lot was full.

“Boy, it’s crowded,” my wife said.

I wanted to say: “Of course it’s crowded. That’s why I wanted to get here at 11 a.m.” But, being a veteran husband, I opted to say nothing. Veteran husbands know that sometimes nothing is the best option.

While I stood in line to buy the tomatoes and sweet corn my wife wandered off to “see what else we need.”

After I made my purchases I looked up and saw my wife walking toward me. In her hands were two bouquets of flowers and a large paper bag.

“I bought flowers and basil,” my wife said.

To my knowledge we didn’t need flowers or basil, but again I opted to say nothing.

About 30 minutes later, my wife and Emma were ready to leave the market. It was almost 1 p.m. when we pulled out of the parking lot.

“That was fun,” my wife said. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

This time I was ready.

“Why?” I said.

Fool me once.

1
Text Only
Local News
  • 072814_jd anderson.jpg VIDEO: Noel strongman advances on talent show

    The past week has been busier than normal for Noel resident J.D. Anderson. Members of the production crew for NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” told him they have shot more footage of him than of other contestants for the next episode. “They said I have the busiest schedule of anyone this week,” Anderson told the Globe in a phone interview Friday. “There’s so many fun things you can do with B-roll as a strongman.”

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • AndraBryanStefanoni.jpg Andra Bryan Stefanoni: ‘Annie’ production is a family thing

    There’s a twist to this week’s production of “Annie” at Memorial Auditorium. The show, a beloved classic tale of an orphan girl in search of a family, is full of real-life family members.

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • 072514 Band Box.jpg Jo Ellis: Carthage icon continues to play in local restaurant

    Chicago Coin’s Band-Box, also known as “Strike Up the Band,” has been a Carthage icon since the mid- to late 1950s. Any customer who frequented Red’s Diner, or Ray’s Cafe, and now the Pancake Hut is familiar with the pulsating rhythms and movements of this mechanical device.

    July 27, 2014 2 Photos

  • SusanRedden.jpg Susan Redden: Gubernatorial hopefuls make area appearances

    Three potential candidates for Missouri governor in 2016 made stops in the Joplin area this past week.

    July 27, 2014 1 Photo

  • Anti-landfill group seeks grand jury probe

    As more than 200 people filed into Riverton High School on Sunday to attend an anti-landfill group meeting, many stopped to sign a petition asking the Cherokee County District Court to summon a grand jury to investigate how land was acquired by the city of Galena for a proposed landfill.

    July 27, 2014

  • shoalcreekcleanup.jpg Wildcat Glades center puts on service day at Shoal Creek

    About 20 people on Saturday pulled trash out of Shoal Creek as they paddled in canoes and kayaks from Grand Falls to Zan’s Creekside Campground in Joplin.

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

  • Hearts & Hammers plans annual home repair event

    Since 2003, volunteers with Hearts & Hammers of Southwest Missouri have made free improvements to more than 170 homes owned by the elderly, physically disabled, and single parent or low-income families.

    July 26, 2014

  • Money clouds farm fight

    For much of the summer, while the campaign surrounding “right to farm” has been focused on its impact on “small, family farmers,” the bulk of the money pouring into the fight has come from big agriculture interests.

    July 26, 2014

  • jameswelbornupdate.jpg Local teen completes half of solo river trip

    James Welborn, a recent Webb City High School graduate, has reached the halfway point of his solo canoe trip down the Mississippi River — just in time to celebrate his 19th birthday with family.

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

  • Neosho police warn residents of phone scam

    The Neosho Police Department has received complaints from residents saying someone impersonating a lieutenant from the Newton County Sheriff’s Office warrants division has been calling them.

    July 26, 2014

Must Read
Sports
Photos


Facebook
Poll

A new provision by the U.S. Department of Agriculture allows qualifying districts with high percentages of students on food assistance to allow all students to eat free breakfasts and lunches. Would you agree with this provision?

Yes
No
     View Results
Opinion
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter