The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

April 21, 2012

Mike Pound: Sock conspiracy must be stopped

The other day, while trying to get at two new pairs of socks, I decided that the people who make socks know something that I have long suspected.

The people who make socks know — to paraphrase that guy in the comic strip B.C. — SOCKS GOT LEGS!

I bought new socks last because I purchased some new pants. I bought some new pants because I noticed that one of my old pair of pants had a small tear in the — to use a medical term — butt, and another pair of pants was fraying at the cuffs.

I don’t mean to complain here, but I think it would have been nice if a certain family member of mine would have mentioned the small tear in the rear of my pants rather than to let me discover it on my own. But that’s just me.

Whenever I buy new pants, I then take the pants over to the sock area and I hold the pants up to the socks until I find socks that match the pants. I have to do that because I’m not good with color. The only way I can “match” socks with pants is to hold them up to each other. If they look the same, I figure they match.

Whenever I find socks that match my pants, I always buy two pair. The reason I do that is because as I previously said : SOCKS GOT LEGS!

I know that, within a couple of months, one of the socks I purchased will walk away never to be seen again. Buying two pairs of socks allows me to delay the need to buy replacements socks by several months.

It’s the sort of thinking that should get me a Nobel Prize.

So, the other day, when I got my new socks home and tried to open them, I discovered that they were sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. Well, I assume Fort Knox is sealed up tight. But I also assumed Secret Service agents paid their bills.

The first thing I had to get at my socks was to take them off of the little sock hanger. I don’t understand the little sock hanger. Do the sock people expect us to use them? I hope not, because I don’t.

After I took the socks off the little sock hanger, I had to cut the piece of string holding the socks together. You have to be careful when you cut the little piece of string or you might cut one — or both — of your socks.

Trust me.

After I cut the piece of string, I started to put the socks away, but then I noticed that there was a piece of something that was a cross between paper and cardboard inside the socks. So I took the cardboard out of the sock and threw it away, along with the little sock hanger and the little piece of string.

Finally, I was ready to put the socks in my sock drawer. But as I started to place them into my sock drawer, I discovered that there was a piece of tape still holding the socks together.

“This is crazy,” I thought to myself. “It’s almost as if the people who make socks know that, if they don’t bundle the socks together one of them will run away. It’s almost as if... OH MY GOSH!!! THEY KNOW!! THEY KNOW SOCKS GOT LEGS!”

In case you’re wondering: Yes, sometimes I yell when I talk to myself.

Here’s what I think. Not only do the people who make socks know that SOCKS GOT LEGS! They encourage them to have legs. For all I know they make the sock’s legs. That’s why they are so hard to unwrap. See the people who make socks don’t want a pair of socks to wander off until whomever buys them gets them home. Then, when the new sock owner separates the socks, one or both of them eventually will high-tail it back to the sock factory where they are rebundled and sold again. Only to escape again.

I think somebody should look into this. As long as it’s not the Secret Service.

Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com.

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