I could hear the arguing all the way upstairs.
When I came down the stairs and walked into our family room I heard a voice saying: “Am too!” That was followed by another voice saying: “Am not!”
The first voice belonged to our German shepherd Shilo and the second voice to Peanut Butter, one of our cats.
“All right, what’s the problem,” I said.
“Shilo says I’m a moocher,” Peanut Butter said.
“A what?” I said.
“A moocher, a freeloader. Shilo said that I don’t work for my food and that I’m a loser,” Peanut Butter said.
“It’s true,” Shilo said. “Almost all cats are freeloaders. They’re part of the 47 percent.”
“What 47 percent?” I asked.
“The 47 percent of the animals who will never change. They’re dependent on the humans for everything,” Shilo said.
“What about you?” Peanut Butter asked.
“Me? What do you mean me? I work for my food. When Two Feet over there (nodding to me) and I go out in the yard, he makes me chase a stupid ball. Do you have to chase a stupid ball?” Shilo said.
“I thought you liked chasing the ball,” I said.
“I was being nice,” Shilo said.
“What about the dog treats?” Peanut Butter said.
“The what?” Shilo asked.
“Every morning when Two Thumbs there (me again) puts down your food dish, he puts dog treats on top of your food. Why do you get treats with your food and we don’t?” Peanut Butter asked.
“I’m entitled. I earned those dog treats,” Shilo said.
I made a mental note not to let the pets watch TV and started to leave the room when Mo and Van Gogh, our other two cats, walked into the room. Mo was born in the lap of luxury and is some what of a prissy cat. Van Gogh was a street cat, the kind of cat who had to scrounge for food and fight off other animals to survive. Her name comes from the fact that she lost part of her ear in one of those fights.
“Well, I think this is all silly,” Mo said. “Big Head over there (yep, that’s me) gives me food because I am the right sort of cat. Unlike some of the lower class cats in this house.”
“How would you like a reverse fur ball?” Van Gogh hissed.
“I don’t mean this in a bad way, guys,” Shilo said. “But let’s face it. Animals like you, Peanut Butter and Van Gogh will never like animals like me. So, my job is to not worry about you.”
“You have no idea what it’s like to be a cat,” Van Gogh said. “You were born with a silver can opener in your mouth. You wouldn’t last a day on the street.”
“Yeah,” said Peanut Butter, who also grew up poor and spent time on the streets.
“Oh, sometimes I wish I had been born a poor cat. It would have been easier for me if I had. Animals like you would like me if I had been born a poor cat,” Shilo said.
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” Peanut Butter said.
“It’s true,” Mo said. “I’m purrrrfectly happy.”
“I hate that cat,” Van Gogh said.
“ANIMAL WARFARE! ANIMAL WARFARE!” Mo shouted.
“Forget it, Mo. Animals like them will never understand us. All we do is try to help them pull themselves up by their claws and all they do is resent us. That’s our curse,” Shilo said.
“First of all, we don’t have claws. Ten Toes (me again) over there took them away from us. And, second of all, you eat more food than all of us cats combined,” Peanut Butter said.
“That’s because I’m a food creator while you are just a taker,” Shilo said.
When I left the room they were still going at it, with the animals on two different sides of an argument yelling and neither side was listening to the other.
Boy, you would never catch humans acting like that.
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