JOPLIN, Mo. —
My wife wants me to buy a new suit.
I don’t own many suits. I’m not a big fan of suits. To me, wearing a suit is overkill. I mean, once you have a pair of pants and a shirt, what else to you need? Do you really need a tie and a coat? I don’t think so.
Fortunately, I have managed to avoid working jobs that require me to wear suits. Years ago, when I was living in Kansas City and making hundreds of dollars a year working in radio, I got a part-time job as a waiter at a fancy restaurant. The job would have paid as much money as I was making full time working at the radio station. But a few days before I was supposed to start my part-time job, the owner of the restaurant called me to say that I was scheduled for my fitting the next day.
“Fitting for what?” I asked.
“For your tuxedo,” the owner said.
I didn’t take the job.
The reason my wife wants me to get a new suit is because we are going to an event next month that requires me to dress up. So a few weeks ago, my wife said that I needed to get a new suit.
“What’s wrong with my other suit?” I asked.
“Nothing,” my wife said. “I just think you should get another one.”
A few days later, my wife came home with a red and black tie for me to wear.
“I have plenty of ties,” I said.
My wife said I needed to wear a red and black tie to the event we are going to next month.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because,” my wife said.
I was tempted to answer my wife’s “Because” with a “’cause why?” but I’m an adult. Instead I decided to hold my breath until my wife changed her mind.
Did you know if you hold your breath too long, you can pass out?
The next day, I went to the suit store to look around. Clerks at suit stores don’t bother me too much when I’m looking around. I’m guessing that’s because I don’t look like the suit type. Later, when my wife got home, I told her that I saw a suit that I sort of liked.
“What color is it?” my wife asked as if that was important.
“I don’t know. Gray, maybe,” I said.
“No, it has to be black,” my wife said.
I pointed out to my wife that I already had a black suit. She pointed out back to me that my black suit has stripes. For the event we are attending next month my wife said I need a plain black suit.
See, I don’t see the point in owning two suits that are basically the same color. If I’m going to buy a new suit, I want it to be the exact opposite of whatever other suits I own. Well, maybe not the exact opposite because the exact opposite of black would be white — even though I love Mark Twain, I’m not exactly white suit material. Besides, when you wear a white suit, I think you have to spend most of your time sitting around the veranda sipping mint juleps. We don’t have a veranda, and if I were going to sip anything, it would be Budweiser.
It seems to me that, rather than my having to change my suit preference, my wife should change her tie preference. I mean, in the long run, it’s easier to return a tie than a suit.
When I told my wife that, she didn’t say anything. She just rolled her eyes and walked away. Veteran husbands know that the eye roll and the walk-away are never good things.
The event we have to attend is now three weeks away. I still haven’t bought a new suit, and my wife still hasn’t exchanged the tie. But I’m guessing that eventually I will have to break down and buy a new black suit. And you want to know why?
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