I’m ready for some football.
It should be Friday morning when you read this. Well, I hope you’re reading this. Some people read my column for a few paragraphs and then stop and say, “Hey, what am I reading this for?” They put it down and move on to something else.
Can’t say I blame them really.
The people I can blame are the ones who frequently read my column, then take the time to either email me or call me to say how much they hate reading my column. I mostly ignore those people, but I’m often tempted to ask them if they make a habit of continuing to do something they hate.
I mean, I hate liver. So, after having it once and discovering that I didn’t like it, I stopped eating it. I didn’t come back a week later and say, “Gee, maybe it will taste different,” and try it again.
And yes, if you’re wondering, I just compared my column to liver. And yes, if you’re wondering, I now think that was sort of a mistake.
But despite the liver comparison, I think you get my point about people who hate my column yet keep reading it. Well, assuming you’re still reading this column.
Now, what was I talking about?
Oh, right. It should be Friday morning when you read this, which means the official opening of the 2013-14 NFL season has already occurred. Thursday night, the Denver Broncos played the Baltimore Ravens. I don’t know who won, of course, but I picked the Broncos to win even though Missouri Southern’s Brandon Williams now plays for the Ravens.
The NFL season didn’t used to start on Thursday night. It used to start on Sunday, and when the season started it didn’t begin with just one game. Everyone played on the opening day of the NFL season because, back then, the NFL wasn’t so stuck up.
That’s right, I said it: The NFL is stuck up.
But Mike, you may be thinking, if you think the NFL is stuck up, does that mean you don’t like it and don’t plan to watch it on TV this year?
If you are thinking that, I have one thing to say to you: Are you nuts? Of course I like the NFL, and of course I’m going to watch it. Look, there is a reason most of the stuck-up girls in high school were stuck up. They were hot. That’s why they could get away with being stuck up. I, for example, have never been stuck up in my life.
The NFL can afford to be stuck up right now. Here’s an example: Last week, the NFL settled a head-injury lawsuit with former players for $765 million. Do you want to know how the NFL paid that settlement? Out of petty cash.
NFL: “Quick, we need $765 million.’’
NFL accountant: “Here you go.’’
NFL: “Do you need a receipt?’’
NFL accountant: “Nope. We’re good.’’
The NFL is so hot right now that it’s thinking about setting up a team in London, England. That’s right. The NFL figures that a country where people drive on the wrong side of the road, call french fries “chips” and call potato chips “crisps” would be a perfect place for an NFL team.
Why? Because it’s the NFL, that’s why.
How hot is the NFL? The NFL spies on the National Security Agency. When Donald Trump goes to an NFL game, the NFL makes him show his birth certificate to get in. After the MTV Video Music Awards, the NFL gave Miley Cyrus a stern talking to. And she listened.
So yes, the NFL is stuck up, but I will still watch it just the same. Last year, the Kansas City Chiefs lost a bunch. The Chiefs lost almost as much as the Washington Generals, but I watch their games just the same. It’s to the point now where “Are you ready for some football?” has become a rhetorical question.
So yes, I will watch football Thursday night, and Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night and Monday night.
Now, to those of you who read this column and hated it, please send your complaints to the NFL. I’m sure someone will do something.
Why? Because it’s the NFL.
DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
I’m ready for some football.
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